The Truth about Divorce

Yesterday, I sat down with a great friend to have a burrito on his lunch break. On this day, we weren’t just meeting to eat some chips and salsa and talk about sports; this conversation had a much more serious tone. My friend’s wife has requested a divorce and he wanted to talk to me about the best way to share the news with their young children. As we talked through the different scenarios and the reality of what was happening began to sink in, he broke down crying in the middle of the crowded restaurant.

He wasn’t crying because of the financial devastation that was about to hit him as their income was shredded by divorce attorneys and he wasn’t crying about damaged pride as friends and family members learned of the failed marriage. He was crying because he realized that his family was forcefully being ripped apart and pain was going to be deep and potentially lifelong.

He was picturing holidays that he would spend without his kids and family memories that would never be made. He was grieving the loss of stability and protection his children would now lose with a Mommy and a Daddy in two separate homes, and he was also grieving the loss of his wife. The woman he had pledged to love “til death do us part” would no longer be by his side and the dream of their life together had become another casualty of this divorce.

Below are 4 important truths about most divorces.

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Photo courtesy of ShutterStock.com.

I’ve seen far too many friends walk through similar circumstances, and here are a few things I’ve learned:

1. The #1 Cause of Divorce is…Selfishness.

I’m definitely not trying to condemn or judge people who leave a marriage because of habitually dangerous or adulterous situations, but in our “No Fault Divorce” era, there are so many couples who call it quits out of pure selfishness. In these cases, one of the spouses starts fantasizing about how much better life would be if the other spouse was out of the picture and they start getting bad advice from single and divorced friends who help reinforce this selfish mindset.

2. Nobody wins (except for divorce attorneys).

The spouse who leaves usually plans an exit strategy where they’ll come out with everything they want, but it never happens that way. Your children will lose in ways bigger than you can imagine and both spouses will pay a heavy price financially and emotionally. Everyone involved will be hurt.

3. It can almost always be prevented.

Be willing to do the things necessary to build a divorce-proof marriage. Here’s a short video sharing some practical ways to do it: How to Divorce-Proof your Marriage

4. There is hope even when everything feels hopeless. 

Do everything in your power to prevent divorce and restore your marriage, but if you find yourself in the fight alone or maybe the marriage has already ended, don’t lose hope! Please take a minute to read these 4 things God wants you to remember when life is hard.

For more tips and tools to build a Divorce-Proof marriage, please check out our book: iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now available for download on iPhone and iPads or for Kindle and Paperback from Amazon.com.

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144 thoughts on “The Truth about Divorce


  1. Amanda

    What do you do when half of your marriage has been a lie because he has constantly cheated? I have tried to stay 6 months because of all of these reasons, but it seems to get harder with each passing day. I don’t know that I can stay anymore. He has changed 100 percent the past few months, but I can’t let the past go.

    Reply

    1. Brad Goff

      At this point, I would recommend marriage counseling along with each of you seeing a counselor separately. Your husband needs to find the underlying reason he felt the need to cheat and lie to you and if you decide to stay with him, you have to learn ways to put the past behind you. I’m dealing with a similar scenario. When I think of the past, I get very angry. So in addition to seeing a marriage counselor, I’m also seeing different counselor on how to manage my anger.

      Good luck to you.


    2. kat

      Here is the advice I got: start over get to the root of the cheating and work on those things vow to start from this day forward a whole new marriage leave the past behind its a new day and a new marriage most importantly pray pray pray. Every time the devil rolls over u with thoughts pf the past rebuke him I know its easier said than done the thoughts will drive you mad. Also, some counseling would be great I will be praying for you. I never comment on these things something directed me to do so today. Good luck with your new marriage!


    3. petra

      I am right there with you Amanda – it has been about 6 months for me as well when I found out about his affair – possibly more. We have been married for almost 10 years and we have 2 small kids. I want to fight for my marriage but the hurt and pain this has caused me is unexplainable. He has changed a lot but my mind is not letting me forgive or forget yet. I don’t know if I ever can and I know that’s not fair to him either. I hope time will tell, I am trying to stay positive and focus on the good but it’s not easy. On the back of my mind I hear a little voice telling me I am dumb for believeing him,I should go and start over,etc,etc.I know many people recommend counseling, unfortunately that is very costly and we’re also in a financial bind right now. I do wish you the best and I hope you have faith in your marriage and you can continue on for the better future! best of luck!


    4. bdougs

      Been there, there are several prayers. Pray that ungodly soul ties are broken between him and others. Pray God helps you forgive. Joy is a choice, choose it! You are never stupid for fighting for your marriage. Don’t let the devil steal your joy. If you are willing to stay, be willing to forgive. Treat your husband with love and joy, make him remember why he selected you! God forgives us over and over. Pray for your marriage,pray the your husband loves you as Christ loves the church. I will be praying for you.


    5. stephane

      I was the adultery in my marriage. I wanted the better life. I was a teenage mother that married the father. I thought that this was not the life that God had laid out for me. He stuck with me for 7 years of affairs and lying. He finally had enough and told me he would be filing for divorce. I quit my job that day (because it was part of our problem) and begged. He came back home and I continued on my quest for the “better life”. It was not until God got a hold of me and set me straight. This man had been with me and never left me through it all. The “better life” I was looking for was right in front of me and God knew what he was doing all along. 14 years later, we are still happily married and I adore the ground he walks on! :)


    6. kathleen pettengill

      Cheating is one thing that is very hard to have a marriage go on. You and your husband have to want this marriage to work. If he won’t go to counseling with you to work out what problems you are having there may be no way to save this marriage. I wish you the best and may God bless you and your family.


    7. Monica

      Amanda,
      Forgiving is not forgetting. Trust will take so much longer to rebuild. Sometimes it is those who you love the most who will hurt you the most.


    8. Krystle

      Amanda, to be able to forgive the way God wants us to you may find it helpful to pray on it and pray and pray for God to soften your heart toward forgiving your spouse fully the way God instructs us to remember love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Not forgiving and holding a grudge could ruin the marriage down the road where either you decide you can’t forgive as intended or your husbands sees that his complete turn around has basically got him nothing but snarky remarks or comments from his wife and he won’t feel like trying anymore. I wish someone was there to give me this advice 2 years ago…God bless, you.


    9. Melissa

      Forgiveness does not happen over night. It takes time to forgive and even longer to forget. Its a choice. Once you’ve decided you have to find ways. Each time you start thinking about it recognize you’re doing it and make yourself think of something different. Plan activities for you and your spouse that will reconnect you to good memories. Always remember patience. It takes both to fix it.


    10. Mel

      Amanda, It is very hard I learned 14 months ago that my husband was a chronic cheater for the past 9 years of our 14 year marriage at the time. The last two affairs were with my daughters teacher and his cousin(yep you read that correct) He also attempted to flirt with other friends of mine. He realized that he had a porn addiction that lead to much worse things, he attends a support group, we do counselor and he is transparent with me on things. I’m not gonna lie it has been hard for me and him to come to grips with what he did. When i think of the stuff he did i am heartbroken, devastated but it does get easier. PRAY


    11. Terri

      You r exactly correct Amanda. Mine cheated 6 yrs ago and I put in Gods hands to help me forgive etc. I did go to counseling with him whole nine yards. Flash forward to March this year well he did it again two time I know of, had fake FB profile and fake email accts. my divorce will be final on Monday! And guess what God blesses me to divorce when adultery is involved, you don’t need anyone’s blessing but his period. I wish you the best.


  2. Mauri Staten

    When my husband and I got married we agreed there would NEVER be a divorce OPTION! It would be more permanent than a tattoo! Eliminating the possibility beforehand helps a great deal..

    Reply

  3. Mrs. Anonymous

    I agree wholeheartedly with this article. My husband and I divorced after an adulterous affair. I wanted our marriage to continue and he did not. After he spent a while with the new woman, I decided to go on with my life. By this time he wanted to remain married but he wanted the new lady too! I could not agree with this so I divorced him and tried to move forward. I never had another serious relationship with a man who loved me like my husband had. I endeavored not to become bitter but it was hard. My husband married the other woman. Ironically, she did to him all he had done to me and more. Our marriage had been based on friendship. Their marriage was based on selfishness by both parties. Ten years later we have remarried and are happier than ever!

    Reply

    1. linda

      This is an awesome story, you need to shout it from the rooftops, get billboards, share it!!!!!!! The world needs to hear more of this.

      Congratulations!!!!


    2. Lindsey

      Wow… this is an amazing story. And very rare. It truly takes God in your marriage to allowt his kind of forgiveness and grace. I pray you both keep HIM in the center… <3


    3. florence batayola

      well im happy for you… can i know what happened that you restored your relationshi and re-marry again.


  4. Annie

    VERY well said. Thank you. Divorce is extremely painful for all involved, including extended family and friends, and even years later the effects are evident.

    Reply

  5. Teresa

    I have been through one divorce already due to adultery. I sought the divorce after nearly two years of counseling that resulted in no change on his part. But still, the effect on my 9 year old is still evident nearly 5 years later. And on me. I am remarried and still working through some of my ‘stuff’ rated to trusting and loving fully again, things I thought were dealt with. The results are lifelong, for everyone involved.

    Reply

  6. gamal

    that was very informative and well put. the biggest lose would not be money or housing it would be the family that two people started with kids and without. :-(. thanks for sharing

    Reply

  7. carolina banuelos

    MY brother went trough everything your talking about his wife left him 6moths ago took everything ,they been going back fourth to court fighthing custody battle over the kids and it got so bad she did everything in her power to brake him that he could not take it so he went to church and put him self in a christian home cause he said he could not live no more he needed help.he loves his kids and his wife still she with sombody else now but there still legal married .

    Reply

  8. Heather

    I believe everything you said to be true. But what do you do when your spouse doesn’t see it this way? That’s the hard part.

    Reply

    1. Jan

      Heather, We are not alone. I don’t know the solution, but I share your pain intimately.


    2. Trudy

      Hi Heather, I am sorry for your situation, I have been there. Unfortunately, my husband and I were divorced in September, 2011. I wanted to work on things and we did try counseling, but after just 2 sessions he decided he couldn’t do it any more and wanted out. There was, and still is, another woman in the picture. Still, to this day, I am praying for reconciliation. It was very hard to accept that he no longer wanted to try to work things out…especially when you want it so much. The only thing you can do at that point is pray and give it all to the Lord. Without Him, we couldn’t bear any of this. And don’t ever give up if this is truly something you want. Though things might look impossible right now, NOTHING is impossible with God. I am praying for you all as well.

      Trudy


    3. Mrs MT

      Me too Heather. My husband has pre planned the exit strategy, even told me about it. He keeps threatening divorce, with no adultery on either part that I am aware of. One day he wants to leave, the next he wants ME to leave, then the next everything is fine, as if he hasn’t mentioned a word of it?? He says he will do counseling so that he can say he has tried everything but I’m still so scared. If he is going to end it I just wish he would, I hate the back and forth.


    4. Kristi

      Read the book unconditional love and unconditional respect. If you can find a marriage matters class usually at a local church, take it even if you have to go by yourself. I am fighting for my marriage daily, not just for me but for our daughter and for my husband. Last year I went by myself and learned so many ways to make things better and this year he is going with me. Marriage isn’t easy. With prayer and a biblical perspective and just getting away from everyone else’s opinions and just seeking what God says about marriage and divorce and what God is calling you to do, then and only then can you make a right decision. That decision may be divorce. For me it’s not.


  9. Kayla

    My husband & I do not have an “exit strategy.” Divorce is not in our vocabulary. I honestly cannot foresee ANY situation that would result in divorce. Some of our great motivators/secrets: Our children, Our love for each other, Our willingness to compromise, His realization that I’m always right (hehe), Agree to disagree, Never go to bed mad, Honesty is the best policy, Forgiveness, Communication – and the #1 reason we will always fight for our happy marriage is God. Without him, we would not have the strength to fight some of the battles we have faced. God is essential in every marriage. Without him, walking away is easy.

    Reply

  10. Nicole

    It was not an easy decision. Not by any means. It was years in the making. Do not take it lightly. We spent well over $50k in legal fees. Then therapy fees. Our kids had to change schools. They watched their parents suffer. They’ve struggled through things that they should not have had to at such young ages. What you say is true…the memories that do not get made make me sad. The tears my kids shed made and still make me ache. I miss them when they are gone on vacations with their dad. They call me in tears. When they are with me, they miss him. It’s just not easy. So no one should EVER think that the grass just might be greener. Do not end a marriage because it seems like it would be more fun or nicer. End it if the marriage is more destructive to you and your family than a divorce would be.

    Reply

  11. Terence Halbert

    Wow! I am exactly where your friend is right now! Trusting God is so easy to say but difficult to do at the present time. I just want my family back!

    Reply

  12. Deborah Osborne

    I went through a divorce in 2005. As Well as my 2 daughters. It was the most pain I have ever felt in my life, so much to the point, I had a total mental breakdown. And backslid. I was made to believe my prayers for my husband I had prayed for, for 32 years were not prayed in faith. That I wasn’t giving him what he needed, or he would not have had to look else where. I would Not want anyone to have to go through a divorce. But I am here to tell you, I married the wrong man. I believed God would change him. He went to church with me. But I came to see, it was a religious ritual. After 8 years God gave me a Godly man. I do believe God dealt with my x husband and he rejected God. And God then allowed the divorce to happen. I know God will restore my family. He has already started the process, In my thinking, I thought it could Never be the same as it was before, BUT GOD, has promised me it will be BETTER. That they will be saved !!!

    Reply

    1. Courtney

      I was in a similar situation. My marriage was emotionally more destructive than the divorce was. My children and I are happier, and we are spiritually in a better place. My daughter was hurt at first, but 2 years later (she is 9 now) now sees that was the best decision for us. It was more heartbreaking to know that I was raising more kinds in a hostile and dysfunctional environment that would never change. I married the wrong person. I tried to make it work for 10 years. I divorced out of love for myself, my kids, and for him. It would have been selfish and easier to stay with someone I was apathetic towards. I did not involve lawyers, and I promised my daughter I would do whatever it took to make sure she was happy. Even though the ex was ‘devastated,’ God showed me his true character and continues to let me see how and why it never worked. I got the default amount of child support, and he barely pays that. I do not harass him for it because he knows he has kids. That is up to him. My ex remarried 6 months after I asked for the divorce; however, he still goes out of his way to make sure that he does not do anything that might inadvertently contribute to my happiness. He is still very bitter towards me. But, I have peace and an even stronger relationship with God. I received a lot of judgement and opinions about my decision to leave, and what God thought of it. Ultimately, we do not know what God has planned for us. We can pray, seek his counsel, and let Him guide us. What He wants is a relationship with us. He will do whatever it takes to have us love Him. He wants us to have peace and to know love.


    2. crose

      Very well said,I have the same situation right now. My Ex was driving and lightning hit his car, the week after he filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage. I believe it was God,trying to change his heart. We have 3 beautiful adult children. He has the same girlfriend and living in Florida now. He still has not excepted God in his life. I believe you reap what you sow. I keep trusting in God.


  13. B

    I understand all those scenarios but what if the adultery has happened?? The yo-yo of yes and no days must stop for both our sakes. I feel its too late, I would do counseling but feel since he was the one that committed the adultery he should be the one to take the leap to turn things around. But it isn’t happening and feel its something I’m going to be waiting for a long time. No sense in prolonging the inevitable. :/

    Reply

    1. anonymous

      I understand completely. The adulterer should make the effort. He has got to want to change. Some people dont get that until they hit rock bottom. Some people change. I have changed. I thought things we going to end for my spouse and I. I had to change for the better. Not just for the relationship I was in but even if we did get divorced and wanted another realtionship. Luckly for me I changed and am still in my marriage and we couldn’t be happier.


    2. Krys

      Sometimes you have to stand by them and help them make the turn around. My husband didn’t seem to regret it at first and still had feelings for the other woman. They had a whole life planned out. But for me, divorce isn’t an option. It came close. I’m not going to lie, there were times when I outright hated him. But I’ve loved him since I was 16. He realizes what a mistake he made and wishes it could be undone. I’ve forgiven him. We both know that the rebuilding of trust and making me feel secure again is going to be a long hard road but it’ll be worth it. We’re also seeking counseling and attending church again. Just stay strong.


    3. Charligirl

      I would still seek counselling – for yourself, it can still be hugely beneficial and will help you to work things out in your mind and come through this stronger whatever the outcome.


  14. Brandon L.

    “I’m definitely not trying to condemn or judge people who leave a marriage because of dangerous or adulterous situations,”

    Even still, these types of situations are not irreparable. As long as the offender is willing to do what’s necessary to repair the damaged relationship and the victim is willing to let the work happen, any relationship can be saved.

    Reply

    1. Joy

      I had to comment, because I finally left my husband in 2010, but not before I tried everything in my power to keep our marriage together. We have three boys, one with severe medical issues, and I knew it would be hard to be a single mom. But in 2008 I had no choice but to file a PFA (protection from abuse). My ex had threatened to kill me in several ways, and our oldest son was, at that time, sleeping with a baseball bat under his bed “just in case” he needed to protect himself, me or his 2 younger brothers. It was a very scary time, and I really don’t know if my ex would have ever followed through with his threats, but at the point, I was scared for my safety and my boys’ safety. The ex tried to go through a program that was recommended by the women’s shelter in our area, and he fooled me and most of my family into believing he had changed. I allowed him to return, and within three months, he was back to threatening my life, and calling me every dirty name one can imagine. I finally FINALLY left him in 2010, after 25 years together. It was most difficult, but I look back now, and I know that I made the right choice. God has led me to a better life, and I am now engaged to a wonderful man who shares my beliefs, and I have no doubt that this man will NEVER emotionally or verbally abuse me or my boys.


    1. Allison

      Here’s what the Bible has to say:
      Matthew 19:3
      Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

      4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

      7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

      8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

      So it’s not as if divorce was ever God’s desire for people. He just allowed it. God’s desire is for His character and qualities to be made evident within a marriage: unconditional love, compassion, selflessness, mercy, forgiveness.

      Hope that helps! :)


  15. T.J.

    O almost broke down crying while reading this. My wife and I are going thru this very thing. She iniciated it, I don’t want it. She has a single, newly divorced best friend, whom I am sure is telling her how great it is. I am just devistated for my kids. I have 3 kids, 15, 12, & 10. They are all old enough to know what is going on. When I came home this morning after getting off of work, and saw those boxes packed up with my kids names writtwn on them, I cried for 2 hrs, like a baby. What you said was so true, almost to a tee! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

    1. GC

      Lord, I pray for restoration of this marriage. Please work in this wife’s heart so she will see what is to be lost. Please give her eyes to see that the newly divorced BFF may be swaying T.L.’s wife for needed companionship during the start of her new life without her husband. I pray both husband and wife strive to make changes in themselves that creates an environment of peace for their healing. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
      God came into my life 3 years ago. He changed me. And then He changed my husbands heart, and my husband. We are still working on our marriage. Both completely committed. But 3 years ago it was over in my husbands eyes. God can change anything! Pray without ceasing…


  16. lishia

    I agree 100% about selfishness! No one should never talk to friends about their spouse in a negative light. always talk positively about your spouse and build him/her up. Your spouse is your closest friend and other half so if you speak negatively, your friends will definitely fuel the fire and before you know it you’ve been talked into divorce. its just like gossip, except its about the most important person in your life, and the Lord says gossip is a sin.
    read proverbs and corinthians!

    Reply

  17. J

    I don’t know how I ended up reading these messages.. well I guess I do, I was in a failing marriage. I made the commitment to stay in a failing marriage to try to make things work. Things are finally starting to turn around slowly very slowly. Your comments and messages help everyday everything I read gives me another small tip and is so helpful. Do people ever talk about what happens to families when you stay? My family wants nothing to do with my spouse because of the things that he has done and it is causing a lot of issues between us. I have lost friends well people I thought were friends because of this choice. This did force me to only have my spouse to talk to about our issues in marital issues should stay between the 2 people who are married not the entire universe or facebook for that matter. I seriously had to take a look at the things I was posting. Even if it was just having a bad day people would see that and make comments to my husband like what did you do now. So anyway how do those types of family issues get resolved when anytime I try to discuss the topic with my family it only ends up with name calling and pain on my part and I am just the person in the middle.

    Reply

    1. Krys

      I have 2 friends who know. One guessed and one is having the exact same issue. The ine who guessed was angry on my behalf but said she supported whatever decision I made as long as I was happy. The other friend supports me as I do with her. We have both chosen to stay and fight. As for family, only a few of mine know but also support my decision to stay. I was kinda shocked since we’re all very protective of each other. But they know how much I love him. Just stay strong and even though its probably hard, lean on your husband. Hope it all works out for the best.


    2. Heather

      I wish I knew the answer to your question. I’m going through this right now. My husband is an alcoholic. I’ve watched him gradually get worse over the past ten years. As his drinking got worse, so did the way he treated me. My family has watched me go through being hurt and disrespected. So when I asked him to leave, I had their full support. It’s tearing me, my husband, and my son apart. My husband claims that he will never drink again. As much as I want to believe him, we’ve been through this before. He quits drinking and it usually lasts a few months. Then he slowly starts drinking again until it’s an everyday thing. My family keeps telling me that he’s never going to change. They say that if he wanted to change he would have done it by now. So my family doesn’t really have any faith in him. I can’t really say that I blame them though. It’s hard for me to trust that he will stay sober. After watching me hurting for so long my family has a lot of resentment towards him. I fear that even if he gets it together, my family will still feel this way about him.


    3. Allison

      Slow and steady. Your family (just like you) has to make the CHOICE to trust and love him again. You can help them do that by making positive comments about him to them in person, on facebook, on the phone, etc. Soon they’ll see that you are choosing to love and respect and honor him, and hopefully they will come around!


  18. Bree

    All you’ve written I’ve been dealing with for just over a year. My husband out of the blue told me he wanted out. Wanted a divorce. I was so shock. Yes we had our disagreements but I never in a million years thought that divorce would of ever been an option for him. It’s not for me. My vows I meant as I said them before Gid and family and friends and I don’t plan on breaking them.
    My husband works away in the mining industry do he is away for 26 days and home for 9 days at a time. This is not marriage or family friendly but when I said we aren’t coping you being away were as he had said he would come home if it wasn’t working, well he picked work over family. Up at work he has all you described single and bitter divorce friends saying how great it is to have freedom etc and how horrible their ex wives are. It breaks my heart to even just think about it. But I’m not giving up on my marriage or family my kids deserve to have a loving mum and dad so I’m praying and I know that God wants only but the best for as me, my husband, our family and our marriage that I’m not going anyway!
    I want to thank you for you words on Facebook about marriage. It’s encouraging and nice to hear truths in a world that everything has become so disposable so it seems.
    X

    Reply

  19. Sarah Camden

    I have been married for almost 48 years. A marriage takes two people. If you elect to bring children into the world, it is your obligation and responsibility to make sure you stay together. Children whose parents divorce always feel like they are responsible for their parents splitting. People should be forced to have marriage/family counseling. Divorce is too easily obtained in this day and age because people are eager to jump into another relationship, only to find that it won’t work either. You have to work at marriage to keep it intact. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Arrange weekly dates with your spouse and take time to remember what attracted you to your spouse in the first place.
    Attend church together as a family each week. Try to treat your spouse as you would like to be treated. The marriage vows we took we when got married said, ” for better or worse, in sickness or health until death do us part.” This is the way God ordained it so why do we think we know better than God.

    Reply

  20. Brad Goff

    I felt compelled to comment on the truth about divorce. Back in January of this year, I discovered that my wife was having an affair with our next door neighbor (and I do mean RIGHT NEXT DOOR). After an hour of intense conversation, she finally admitted to the sexual affair. My first response to her was “I WANT A DIVORCE”. I left our house in anger with no idea what I was going to do. After the anger comes a variety of emotions and I think I experienced every single emotion possible in a two week period. What I found with all of those emotions was a common denominator; my two year old son, Mason. For the first two weeks after this happened, I didn’t truly think of the full impact this could have on my son. As I weighed the pros and cons on what I should do, I remembered back to my childhood and how my parents divorced when I was 8. As a child it was a huge struggle for me once my parents were divorced. My mother had custody of me but I alternated back and forth with where I would stay at as I would spend the week with my mother and the weekend with my father.

    Getting back to present day, I made the decision to stay with my wife. At the time I made my decision, I was only staying with her for the sake of my dear son. I could not put him through what I experienced. A child shouldn’t have to be forced to decide whether they want to play with their friends or spend time with their parents. I want my son to grow up in a family friendly environment.

    In order to move forward, I laid down some ground rules that I needed to see from her. It was important to me that she truly show remorse for her actions. Here was my list:

    1. We begin marriage counseling immediately as well as each of us see a counselor separately so we can begin to learn how to cope with this.
    2. No social media, text messaging, or web browsing for 30 days.
    3. Full Access including passwords to all electronic accounts. E-Mail, Facebook, credit card statements, etc.
    4. Make it a point to eat dinner at the dinner table as a family.
    5. Go to church.
    6. Designate one night per week as “family movie night” where we all sit down together and watch a family friendly movie.
    7. Make it a point to make time for sex.
    8. Make it a point to go on at least one “date night” per month.

    Our marriage is currently the best it’s been in years. We do our best to abide by the aforementioned rules. While I may have access to her personal records, I no longer find the need to go and check her email or her text messages. I still struggle from to time with what happened. In order to move forward you must forget about the past and that’s easier said than done but I’m working on it. As time passes, Im slowly redeveloping a love for my wife but it is a process. If I have a particular day where I struggle about the past, I simply look into my sons eyes and I know I’ve made the right decision.

    Brad

    Reply

    1. Charligirl

      What an encouraging story – how wonderful that you have come through this, thank you for taking the time to post it, I am sure many others will be encouraged.


    2. Trudy

      Thank you for sharing your story Brad and God bless you for making the right decision for yourself and for your family. I will pray that your marriage continues to be strengthened and that God is at the center.
      Blessings!
      Trudy


    3. JB

      Brad thanks for sharing. I went through almost the same scenario as I too caught my wife cheating with one of her co-workers. I too have a young son (14) and also came from divorced parents. I knew how I felt at that age knowing my parents were hundreds of miles apart.
      My wife immediatly ended the affair, we sought counseling and now nearly 15 months later we are slowly improving. We make sure we have a date night every week, make time to pray together, attend church regularly and make sure that all email passwords, phones and any other form of communication is open and transparent.
      There are also absolutely no “friends” of the opposite sex.
      Thanks for showing that I’m not the only “Man” out here that has a backbone and believes in the sanctity of marriage!


  21. Gloria

    As a woman who initiated the divorce and followed through in a “no fault” without lawyer fees and with children who maintained A’s and B’s in school, and with taking less than half of joint belongings, I have been accused of selfishness. Maybe I am. But my selfishness was wanting a husband who put my children and me first. Instead, I had in-laws who intruded on every part of our lives. I had a husband who promised to change things, whose words were fantastic, but who was never able to change because he never stopped making his parents his best friends and consulting about them with every part of life. They never let him leave their control. I felt like a trophy wife who was expected to be and do things without being respected or treated like a partner. I was the fourth person in the relationship, the last to be asked and the last to be told. If I had known a man who put me first, things would be different. I hate divorce and believe there should never be a back door escape. So yes, I suppose I became selfish – selfish in wanting a husband to love me the way Christ loved his church. Being married yet alone, working to prove yourself worthy of your spouse’s family and never being able to do it stinks. It’s easy tomake blanket statements aobut divorce when you haven’t heard both sides of the story and haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes, feeling what they feel. THose blanket statements kept me battling against faith: what people said vs. what I read in God’s word or found as I searched for Him. THey still hurt and I still get very offended by them. My divorce was painful, yes, but my ex is now a very good friend. Who he is as a person, his habits and ways of doing things and his desires from a wife…I don’t agree with at all. I had a lot of forgiving to do to reach this point, the point of not hating all of them. My divorce had everything to do with finding peace, especially with a God who I had felt abandoned by. There was no fantasy life waiting for me. There was the hope of healing. I am thankkful to have found that healing, and to have found the God I thought had abandoned me.

    Reply

    1. S

      Oh Gloria–your story could be mine! My child and I always came dead last with my ex husband, behind his work, family, friends, hobbies. It was an abusive relationship (physical and emotional) and I was cheated on. He said I was too disgusting to touch. I tried to make it work for several years. I prayed for our marriage, I didn’t want to fail, because I had grown up in the church and I knew it was wrong. I went and visited family to get away and clear my head and the sermon was about forgiveness. I felt like the pastor spoke to ME. That was when I realized it was ok, that I had done my best, that it was ok to let go. And I did. My marriage was to the wrong man, he never loved me, and it was just about control. I was alone for several years until I reconnected with a dear friend and we got married. We have been married for 9 years, and I wish that this was the marriage I had all along.


    2. Hope

      I hear you, Gloria. So much of what you have written resonates with me, although I am still in the marriage. I feel alone. It is very difficult. It hasn’t gotten better. I am very, very tired. Praying for peace and restoration.


    3. Sam

      I know the feeling. I have been married for 29 years to the woman I thought would be with me the rest of my life. There has been no cheating but there has been a lot of mistrust. Her parents dominated everything. I was fine not being first on her list but I needed to be third behind our two kids. I have been as low as #10 . I finally confronted her about this 2 weeks prior to our last anniversary. I told her I wanted a divorce and why. She didnt say much that night and the next morning she asked me not to go. When I came home she had a 2 page list of promises that she intended to do. It has only been about a month since all of this occurred. So far not much has changed. You can tell at times she is trying but you can also tell it is forced. I have decided not to leave for now. We still have one child at home and it would be devastating to her so I will stay until she is grown. I am being hopeful that my wife will come to see me for more that a checkbook. I still love her very much, but I need to feel wanted as a man and a companion, and a need in her life. I want to stay but the nights are really lonely in the spare bedroom. I have had no invitation to return to hers. Pray for us so that God will heal our marriage before it is to late.


  22. Tom Matichuk

    I had facilitated a DivorceCare divorce support group for just over ten years. Divorce is a VERY ugly thing, and I agree with the statistics that over 80% could be avoided. For anyone this is going thru or has gone thru a divorce, I HIGHLY recommend that you find a support group at divorcecare.org. I GURANTEE that it will be one of the best things you will ever do in your life.
    During one session, I carefully commented to the group that my experience has been that most of the people come to the group knowing that now is the time that they REALLY need to trust God, but they had virtually no knowledge or experience in how to do so; EVERYONE at the table agreed that is exactly where they are.
    Whatever your season in life, look for God in the every day, ask to join Him in whatever He is up to today, and actively seek to draw closer to Him now, so that you will really know Him when a tough situation hits.

    Reply

  23. nick norton

    I’m going through a BAD divorce and it has hurt the kids bad but I would have to say she is winning this no matter how crazy it is the judge gives it to her she has broken me and our three kids

    Reply

    1. keith

      Sam and Nick ! I feel your pain ! Hold on to GOD and his word ! My marriage has been going way down hill the past 5 years ! after being married 32 years ! She was corresponding by mail with someone she had worked with in the past and even had the letters going to another post office and had picks of him and some others who I don’t know who they were his family on a secret drive off the computer which she typed the letters When I caught her once she said she was writing the troops which I found out was a lie. I also found a text from another guy. I confronted her and told her I wanted a divorce if it didn’t stop and she said it would and said she was sorry but I just didn’t feel like she showed any real remorse ! And I just feel like it still may be going on plus my health is really bad ! I had stage 4 throat cancer in 2000 which included throat and neck radiation chemotherapy and surgery to remove baseball size tumor and in 2004 I fell out of a tree and broke and dislocated my right foot and they said I needed a screw in my left knee which was simple out patient surgery and the anistesiogist made a mistake on me and I woke up in ICU with a trach in my throat ! Then I found out that I had sleep apnea and it was best I keep the trach for life ! Then I had to have my gaughblatter removed and then I found out I had a heart problem ! Then I hurt my back severely at work and found out I had 3 bulging disk which also affected my neck. Then in 2007 I had a motorcycle accident due to someone dropping a 4 X 4 on a bridge and went down a 70 mph and was life lighted to hospital and was there 3 months due to loosing my right arm and severe left and right leg trauma so GOD has brought me through all that and the Devil has attacked now my marriage !!!!!!!!!! But even though I am so tired of fighting do to my health ! I Love her very much ! All I can do is prey ! Read my Bible and Trust GOD ! SO THANK GOD FOR WHAT YOU DO HAVE ESPECIALLY YOUR HEALTH AND CONTINUE TO PREY AND I WILL BE PREYING FOR YOU ALL !!!!!!!!


  24. Christel

    This is so true… And yes, the # 1 reason for divorce is selfishness. And I say this from experience..I was the selfish one asking for divorce, I’m the one who ripped my family apart, and stole memories from my children and husband. I wanted out, why, because even though I didn’t realize it, I was selfish. All my reasons were fabricated to seem like I was in a horrible situation that I had to get out of. My husband was an amazing husband and father, he always provided for us, but I was selfish and wanted something different. After 3 years of being divorced, family therapy, issues with my children, bad grades, health issues….I realized I was selfish and by the grace of God and forgiveness by my husband and children, we are back together. And yes, it takes work, and plenty of selflessness. I love my husband and my family enough to give up the little things that took me away.

    Reply

    1. carissa jetto

      Praise praise praise! Thank you for sharing. Your story is one to be told and heard. Thank you.


  25. Kate

    My friend’s husband was married previously and had two children with his first wife. She suffers from serious mental health disorders, including multiple personality disorder, and was very unwell for over half of their seven year marriage. He stood by her and did his best to care for her while working full-time and looking after the children as best he could. In the end she left him and they were divorced.
    I have great respect for his loyalty to her and how hard he tried to save their marriage. However, one person alone cannot save a marriage. I am thankful that she did leave him and give him the opportunity to build a marriage and life with a woman who can be a true partner. His two children are also better off now that they aren’t living with their mother all the time. They also need time and space (from her) to heal from the neglect and emotional abuse they suffered from her.
    I believe marriage should be for life and I am committed to my husband ‘until death do us part’. It is sad that not all marriages can survive, but those divorce survivors, like my friend’s husband, should be supported – and commended for their courage.

    Reply

  26. Ron Petersen

    I’m currently going through a divorce and what your friend says is true. I have many a night cried myself to sleep. we recently adopted a little boy and the pain i’m feeling from not only loosing the love of my life but also the newest part of my new family is sometimes almost overwhelming. I agree 100% that the #1 reason for divorce is selfishness. I really think my wife thinks that she is going to find greener pastures.I have been through it with her (adultery) yet stayed with her and really thought we could fix things, but unfortunately I was the only one willing to try and fix it. Now unwillingly I must accept defeat, try and pick up my broken heart and carry on, I’m thankful though that I have a god who knows my pain and will aid me in the lifetime task of healing myself. I read this a long time ago and I really believe it is sound advice ” a perfect relationship isn’t ever actually perfect, it’s just one where both people never give up. I hope and pray that someday i will find someone who won’t give up on me. May you all find the same.

    Reply

  27. Karl

    I share your friend’s pain everyday, as I am currently chin deep in the divorce process.

    I can’t speak to my wife’s real reason for stepping outside our marriage and eventually filing for divorce, other than she must have felt horrible about herself. My contribution to her and my misery was wanting to be the hero and not sharing the fears of not being able to be the perfect husband and father I was constantly dealing with.

    Please talk to your spouse about everything! Everything! There should be nothing that is too shameful or embarrassing. If you go to a counselor, don’t go to one that encourages you to complain about your spouse. Talk about what you are feeling, not what they are doing. Figure out why you’re feeling bad, sad or mad. And then work to fix it.

    Finally, no one makes a bad choice on purpose. We always choose the best thing we are aware of. The problem is too often we don’t expand our awareness before we make our choices. My wife tells me we went to counseling and it didn’t work. To which I say, “We should have found another counselor.”

    You are worth it. Your spouse is worth it. And if you are lucky enough to have children, you have to believe they are worth it.

    Reply

  28. Z A Choice-Freeman

    I know everything you are saying is true. However, my 32 year marriage is hanging by a thread.
    My husband indeed believes the other woman will make him happy. He says he has broken it off – but I just saw an email where he says it not our season now and signs it inferring maybe later they will be together. He is 57 years old. He is so up and down with his emotions He leaves home this morning -no kiss only to come back 10 minutes later to kiss me good bye. I made a doctor’s appointment for him because our marriage counselor did an assessment and he is clinically depressed. He said he wasn’t going and then tried to conceal he went and they prescribed meds. I only found out he went because CVS sent a text his prescriptions were ready. I really hate the lies. This situation has aged me so much. He had 150% of my trust because he had always been so trustworthy. It’s like he is now Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde – I never know which one I am going to see at home. Our kids are grown they are 30, 28, and 26.
    Did I mention he is an elder in the church? She is now extorting money from him $100 to $200 at a time. This too much. He says he loves me. He says I am a wonderful woman and wife. Did I mention they have never had sex because on the 2nd date they had she said she was looking for someone who could sustain her for 3 hours. So he told me and it’s true he can’t do that. Which is why I flipped out when I got the text from CVS. I just knew he was getting Viagra. It was anti depressant and and sleeping pill.Help! How do I stay with him?

    Reply

    1. Matt B

      Him being a elder in a church has nothing to do with this. No one is perfect before God. It sounds to me that his heart is in the wrong place and he needs to re evaluate his priorities. He really need to pray about this. There is a saying that the grass may be greener on the other side but you still have to mow. My wife’s niece met someone about a year ago (they are not married) and she has changed dramatically, from being always honest she has begun to lie about everything, and he a very big influence on her. The other day he told her that he never keep a relationship for more than a year and he wants out. Of course she was devastated because she loves him. The bible does speak out against divorces unless they are completely unavoidable. It seems to me that your husbands *fling* has huge influence over him and like i said earlier, he needs to pray long and hard on what he is doing.


    2. Trudy

      Matt, I agree that Z. A.’s husband needs to be praying, as she does also, but I respectfully disagree with your statement saying his being an elder in the church has nothing to do with this. He is in a position of leadership within the church, living with his wife, yet essentially lying about the state of his marriage. He is living a lie by omitting the truth of his circumstances and situation. His leadership will not be effective because of his wrong standing with God. So it will be affected. Z.A., I will be praying for you and your husband…that prayers will be heard and answered and your marriage will be restored according to God’s great purpose.

      Blessings,
      Trudy


    3. carissa jetto

      You are extremely brave and a wonderful women. We are all born into sin. The “fling” is manipulating your husband in a vulnerable state. Be strong lean on God. You can do this. He needs your love and support more then ever right now. You are amazing. Through Christ all is possible! With much love and compassion.


  29. Gigi

    my husband of 14 years used the word divorce as a way to control me and do what he wanted because he knew I didn’t believe in divorce. I forgave him for a being physical once ,and a lot of financial and verbal abuse. So a Friday one month ago he doesn’t come home from work and a day later sends me a text message saying he is out on the town and isn’t coming home. He never did that before . He came home two days later and tells me he cant forgive me for putting him in jail 9 years ago when he got physical and that he has moved on. My world has been turned upside down. He wont talk to me or the children and told me I have to move out of the house so he can move back in. The only way I am able to functions is knowing that no matter what , God will be by my side and walk me through all of this. God has gotten me through so many things and I have faith that their is a light at the end and that this trial will bring me closer to God. Please pray for my children , for my Husband and myself.

    Reply

  30. Jenny

    This is great information. I think doing everything you can to get to know the person you are marrying before the wedding day is a big help. My husband and I will be celebrating 9 years in September. We’ve had our struggles, but the “D” word isn’t allowed to be used in our arguments, or even in our marriage. It has no place. It leaves us no option but to work out our differences. God blessed me with a Godly husband who truly loves me and our children almost as much as he loves God. If both sides give 110%, a marriage can be an unbelievably wonderful thing. I see some of the comments here are from people who are going through difficult marriages. Cling to Jesus and find Godly advice and counseling. I pray that those who have had those kinds of marriages can find the peace and joy that God alone can offer and the joy that can come from a committed marriage.

    Reply

  31. Krsnanandini

    As a couple, married 23 years and as marriage and family educators, we have been on both sides and have witnessed the devastation of divorce. Sadly, many do think that getting rid of a spouse will make their lives better and we have seen too many cases where it does not. If we had a dollar for every person who shared with us, “If I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten help, I would have made my marriage work, I would have appreciated my spouse…….”, we would indeed be rich. There is help for even the most troubled marriage and in most cases, those who get help from qualified, committed Family Educators, counselors or therapists, realize much healthier relationships. Having a healthy, committed marriage is one of the best gifts we can give our children. By God’s grace, we are praying for marriage all over the globe. Healthy marriages = healthy families = healthy communities. Thanks, Dave for sharing this story.

    Reply

  32. Michael Stultz

    Malachi 2:16. “For I hate divorce,”says the Lord, the God of Israel, and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” It is probably for this reason that divorce is so hard.

    Reply

  33. Arabella

    I was married almost 21 years…………divorced almost 11 years ago. It’s not worth it. Whatever problems going on, you can fix. I didn’t see that – maybe he didn’t see that. I look back. How stupid that neither of us really tried. He has remarried. I have no chance to re-conciliate. What’s done is done. If I could give any advice – try anything to make it work out! I do believe that if either party has been unfaithful. though…..chances are little to none that trust will come back. My opinion only. Kids are hurt……..grandkids come…….they are confused……It’s messy. Your paths have to cross….uncomfortable. Think about the future generations……….just think!!

    Reply

  34. Lin

    I don’t know what I would do if my husband wasn’t repented for his sins against the marriage. Almost a yearly yet, we are still in counseling. We have made so many changes, namely time every day for talking, praying and kissing. God is opening us up to so much more of what our marriage can be. But every night, I can’t help but to ask why “it” had to happen. I try not to look at the wasted years of not talking (openly and honestly) and kissing and praying together daily. I never had the d word in our marriage but I never saw the A word either. That is a very hard sin to forgive. I forgive him but my trust is shot. Praise God my husband is laying it all out for me, no matter how painful and how often I bring up the past. Because I didn’t know what was going on, there are still holes to fill. Thank you God for each step we are making. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. I feel my husband and I are on this treacherous path. Some gaits are easy and sometimes one slides into a ditch and the other pulls the one out…or joins them in the ditch. I feel like we are facing a mountain together, hand in hand, following a light. 3-cord marriage is the only way!!!

    Reply

  35. Melissa

    Agree with this piece 100%- and that is coming from someone who (this is hard to admit) CHOSE to leave a marriage of 10 years because I THOUGHT I deserved to be treated better and that I deserved to be happy. #1 thing wrong with my marriage (I know now) is that God was not its foundation. Plain and simple, all other problems (selfishness, disrespect, disagreements, etc) stemmed from THAT. As my pastor said in a sermon a couple of years ago (during series on marriage), God promises a lot of stuff, but not one time does Bible say I have the “right” to be happy. So, from my experience, my advice would be- and has been- WORK IT OUT. Every sin is forgivable, no how bad it may seem. Some of the strongest marriages I know of and couples I most admire in our church are folks who survived infidelity, addictions, etc because they put God (back) at the center of their relationship and CHOSE to show their mate the kind of grace we’ve all been shown by God. (Thank you, God, for your endless grace!) The rewards for staying together- through thick and thin- are far greater than any short-time “rewards” for trying to satisfy our selfish natures.
    -Been There, Done That (…and the grass was NOT greener)

    Reply

  36. Melissa

    I should add, of course, that when I say “every sin is forgivable,” obviously sometimes a person simply cannot stay, if there is physical abuse or their life is in danger. (Didn’t mean to imply that anyone should stay in an abusive situation.) Even if we can forgive someone, we can’t always reconcile…

    Reply

  37. Sheila Marie

    I have been married for about 9years and My husband-Jaime has been having an Affiar with a co-worker since Sept.2012 and now he wants a “divorce” which I Don’t Want or Believe in. My Heart is “Heartbrokened” I feel Very Sad,Alone,Abandoned,and Hurting! I have prayed and still do that the HolySpirit! would touch my husband-Jaime’s Heart/Soul to Not allow this to happen to us.
    Sheila Marie

    Reply

  38. jd

    Divorce and marriage is a huge epidemic right now. I married my husband at the age of 24 and have been married for 6 1/2 years with two kids. WE both vowed to not utter the word divorce in our marriage EVER! Then three years into our marriage, his selfishness began. It first was showed in his obsession for work (money), and then trickled into his love of things. He spent countless hours away from my children (2 and a new born) while he pursued his endeavors. I am seeking a divorce after 3 years of marital affairs, which I had to play detective and seek out-nothing was actually honestly admitted, and countless lying and utter devastation. I feel that marriage can be saved no matter what horrible awful things have happened. But it takes two people who are willing to work incredibly hard and consistent (it’s usually one spouse who does and the other one is seeking a divorce or is speaking through actions). Many women and men are lowering their standards of what is right and wrong because a spouse strays during marriage. And sadly, many Christians are afraid to admit they are seeking a divorce. Making your spouse accountable to their actions is also overlooked in this day and age. Your choices do affect everyone around you; it doesn’t just affect you in private. It;s Christians who need to start standing up and supporting each other. Don’t you think this selfish behavior that new generations are showing came from somewhere? We are their first models! Many things and situations are occurring in the home but are kept private; then are acted out through our children! Christians need to live a transparent life! Go to a church where the preaching is invasive on our personal lives! Allow your conscience to be pricked! Stop being judgmental Christians and be leaders of compassion! Models in society! We have become numb by society of sin (adultery, speaking by cursing or hurting others, respect of others, ect.) and have lowered our standards of marriage, family, and relationships. Get up Christians; we need a revival!

    Reply

  39. Kristi

    My husband cheated on me a few months ago in his mother’s house with his mother there, with a woman younger than my oldest son. I have had the hardest time getting past this, as well as having respect for his mother who knew and allowed it. My daughter who is 13 heard us discussing it and asked me why I am still with him (not her real dad), and what is shows her. He states he doesn’t know why he did it and that he thinks he was just flattered by the attention a younger girl gave him. I say that is bull! Anyone have any advice? He wants to fix it though I don’t think he really knows how, to him its out in the open (because I caught him) and its time to move on.

    Reply

  40. Marie

    I agree that divorce is caused by selfishness. I married my husband young. I was 18 and he was just 22. We had three boys together and when the boys were babies he was a great husband/daddy but as they got older and we learned two had some special needs that all went away. After my father had passed away and I truly felt alone I divorced my husband because I felt if I was doing this all on my own I should be alone. Our divorce was final 3 days after our 16th wedding anniversary. From the time of separation to reconciliation we were apart approximately a little over a year. He lived close to us and did spend some time with the boys but not much. During separation period I never dated, but after the divorce was final I tried. This opened me up to a world I had never really been in before since I met my husband when I was 15 he was my one and only. Being with other men messed me up and I realized I loved and missed my husband even for his faults. He quickly and openly accepted me back (because he never wanted the divorce to begin with). We ended up remarrying on our original wedding date 3 yrs later. I did still have some issues and resentment from the past and did have an affair after we got remarried, but we have talked openly about that he was hurt and realizes he had hurt me too, but has forgiven me and loves me. Getting a divorce was the biggest mistake I could ever had made in my life. I am just thankful and blessed I have a wonderful husband who loves me through my faults like I should have loved him. Very thankful for second chances. I hope someone learns something from my story. I just felt, even through my shame, that I should share to try to save another from the same mistake.

    Reply

  41. MinDee

    Divorce doesn’t have to happen…but true repentance and forgiveness does… if it’s going to work. God has to be brought into the marriage as Head, Christian counseling has to happen and both parties have to decide they WILL make this marriage work. Remember… Jesus gave everything for you…are you willing to do the sane for someone you love? Are you willing to stand up and say…”No. Satan you can’t have my marriage?”

    Reply

  42. Erica

    I’m newly divorced and I’m here to tell u the ones who r newly divorced that say it’s great r probably living a lie. We were married 13 years and have 3 children. Mistakes were made by both. He initiated the divorce but in the end begged me to tell him to stop and he would but I let my anger
    and pride rule my decision and told him to finish it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could go back and change something in myself instead of always telling him what he should change. For anyone contemplating divorce I say Work It Out!!! Pray for urself, ur spouse and ur marriage.

    Reply

  43. Jessica

    i think not many couples realize just how important a marriage is and go into it for wrong intentions, then they dont want to sacrifice anything and take advantage of each other…..its really hard when one spouse is sacrificing and the other just living their own selfish life not caring who they hurt and not ever trying to mend any fences…i dont think a married person should have to deal with that forever if there is no love …i mean you should definetly attend counseling but dont waste your life on someone not wanting to put any effort into. However, you should want to build each other up always and walk in the path of the Lord.

    Reply

  44. Cassandra

    I have been divorced.. married my high school sweetheart.. but never really loved him.. i loved the fantasy of the life we should have because at 15 i became pregnant and my folks were strong Christians that believed that we should marry right away.. we didn’t we waited but even when we were together or married i felt stuck and very unhappy.. i eventually cheated and had a son with another guy(who later on i found out was not the guy i should have been with at all) i was given an ultimatum to either give up my son or give up my two kids full time and move out.. I had to really think of what i was going to do.. it was a hard decision.. I now am married again.. to a man i am so happy to be with.. he has raised my son since he was little and i gained 2 step kids in the process to make this small family turn into one HUGE family (6kids YIKES) I love my kids all of them.. I make it work its hard and its difficult some days then others.. and i cant say my marriage is perfect all the time.. but this time around i know i will be more mature about my marriage.. i will respect my husband and i will love him and we been through a lot but i will do whats necessary to make this work.. i think sometimes we rush into things.. like i did with my first husband.. i cant say i don’t feel bad for him or my kids or the devastation i left when this happened to everyone around us.. but i can say i have learned a lot from it.. and i believe that God definitely needs us to all stand up even if you have made the mistake of adultery or divorce or anything you think you cant come back to God from.. I am telling you i been there done that and I know God still has his hand over me.. and we need to spread that word.. especially to our younger crowd.. I know i will educate my kids on sex and marriage and all of it.. because i don’t want them going through what i went through.. God Bless

    Reply

  45. Logan

    There are only 2 Biblical reasons for divorce. In both cases, divorce is not God’s intended plan.
    I sadly am divorced on paper. (I am not released from the vows I took to my wife or to God.) I love my wife and would love to be reunited. We both had issues; I will not solely blame her nor accept total blame myself. 4 years have passed since the day I came home from work to see my home in boxes. All this time, I have been attempting to be a friend to her. Our sons and all that knew us together understand she holds a place in my heart only surpassed by God.

    Reply

  46. Jessica

    After being married six yrs on this month I can’t believe am still thinking about divorce. My husbands goes to Las Vegas to drink and party. He now smokes weed and wants nothing to do with GOD. He stated he didn’t want me praying in my home. He lost that fight but I’ve tried everything. Its hurts because I have a three yr old lil boy. Help or advise….

    Reply

  47. Chris

    Having been through a divorce to protect myself from the repeated damage and health risks o being married to a serial cheater, I have to say I agree with your article completely. Too many people buy into this “me first” mentality and they buy a bill of goods that life will be better if they take up with a new partner. I an definitely say that isn’t true. My children have suffered, I have and even my ex wife has since the divorce. It hasn’t been easy but I finally trust again after four years. It has been a devastating experience for all involved

    Reply

  48. marion

    I got a divorce 9 years ago, it was sad really i was married for 11 yrs when we got divorced. i put up with a lot beatings and cheating and loss of unborn children on and off through the marriage. i tried counseling for us as a couple and individually didn’t work. i thought it was me so i went on meds. then i thought if i let him cheat he would get it outta his system. obviously. that was not the smart thing to do. my 8yr old at the time asked why we where married we fight all the time. aren’t you and daddy suppose to love each other. i said yes he said then i think you should not be married I’m tired of seeing you cry and ya’ll fighting all the time. i knew then something had to give. so i thought i would scare him and pack up and leave for a while. well he came to me two weeks later and asked for the divorce because the women he had been seeing that i didn’t know about was pregnant and he wanted to be with her. she was married as well. long story short we ended the marriage and 2 yrs later i married the most amazing man ever. God sometimes gives you things that you need at the time. it made who i am today. thanking god for my life and the love of my life :)

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  49. Michelle

    Every situation is different. I would have been married 25 years this coming August. I started dating my soon to be Ex at the age of 14. 28 years together. About 16 years ago, while carrying our second child, he had his first affair. I was devastated but forgave and we both agreed to marriage counseling. Things seemed to be okay until about 6 years ago when I learned about his second affair. Different woman. They were confronted, and yet again, we sought counseling and I forgave him. Well, in January of this year I learned that that second affair never really ended. Devastated beyond any words could describe, (Not to mention I had a heart attack in November of 2012) we separated in February. I’ve tried everything to save our marriage. I thought life wasn’t ever going to be the same. In March of this year, he was kicked out by our two sons. They had had enough of him destroying their mother. I can honestly say, that was the best choice that could have ever been made on my sons part. Each day I get stronger, and have become closer to God and my walk with Him. My “season” with my Ex is almost over, with our divorce becoming final in two weeks. Do I still love him? Absolutely, a piece of me will always love him, but he is no longer a part of this “season”. God has been preparing me for this day. I’ve always said that it would be “til death do us part”, but God had other plans for me. Sometimes you just have to walk away, and pick up the broken pieces, knowing that God isn’t mad at me for letting go. God loves me and has something better for me. God has something better for all of us, and one day in Heaven we will see it firsthand! I wish you all the best…as for me- I am ready for my “new season” to start with God as my center! God bless

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  50. CoachTdawg

    I was married 15.5 years to an addict that never got better. I made the decision to leave so I could physically live. It takes both people willing to work at a marriage. Addiction is selfish to the core. I dont believe God would ask anyone to stay in that much dysfunction forever. Does divorce hurt and destroy? yes it does. Is it sometimes a necessary evil? Yes it is. I dont reccomend it to anyone but I dont suggest staying in abusive/addictive relationships either.

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  51. Cris

    My husband and I have been married a year and 2 months and for the majority of the time we’ve argued. Sadly, we’ve both used words that are very hurtful to one another because we’ve let the worst get the best of us. My husband has kept things from me and I come to find out later that he had OMITTED things which to me is the same as lying and I’ve lost my trust in him- It’s hard for me to believe him 100% and he’s offended by that! He says he can’t live with me being so untrusting and frankly I’m so exhausted spiritually and emotionally from having him be mad and use cuss words at me. Unfortunately I have used a couple as well and I feel terrible but I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to divorce I love him I just don’t like him very much right now. Today he said he’s packing up- if he really is I don’t know for sure as I’m stuck at work at the moment but I don’t want him to leave but I’m so tired of the situation we’re in. What should I do?

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  52. Griselda Ferrer

    I haven’t been married as long as most couples, only 7 wonderful years, but I have been divorced and knowing now that there has to be a constant relationship with Jesus in order to keep loving your spouse no matter what, no matter if they don’t want you or what they do. I do know that Jesus is the one who changes the heart and it’s through faith in HIM that miraicles happen. I know that a marriage is suppose to get better and better as the years go by and more in love because that is how you grow with our savior.

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  53. KH

    My husband is seeking a divorce after 1 year if marriage. He feels let down bc I let my family come between us but while dealing with his hurt he began having adulteress relationships, smoking, & drinking. The past 8 years that we’ve been together we never had any of these issues and God wad the center of our relationship. but now even mentioning God offends him.I have been in constant prayer for God to have his way and I feel led that a divorce is not what he wants for us. I am learning to let God deal with the supernatural but meanwhile what am I supposed to be doing in the natural?

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  54. lucy

    My husband just ask me for a divorce after 10 years and 3 kids. I tried to talk to him about why all he says is that hes not happy. But up to 3 weeks ago he was still planning a life with me why the sudden change and how can i help him understand that divorce is not the way.

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  55. Krys

    Sometimes you have to stand by them and help them make the turn around. My husband didn’t seem to regret it at first and still had feelings for the other woman. They had a whole life planned out. But for me, divorce isn’t an option. It came close. I’m not going to lie, there were times when I outright hated him. But I’ve loved him since I was 16. He realizes what a mistake he made and wishes it can be undone. I’ve forgiven him. We both know that the rebuilding of trust and making me feel secure again is going to be a long hard road but it’ll be worth it. We’re also seeking counseling and attending church again. Just stay strong.

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  56. Patsy

    As I’ve grown more in my faith, I’ve learned that if both parties are not in sync with their spiritual lives, their marriage will not have a strong solid foundation to stand on, and all the problems that will attack them through temptation will be stronger. Living a life with God encourages, inspires, motivates, you everyday. Life isn’t easy, but a life with God will enhance you as a son or daughter of the Most High King. Worship the Lord your God with all your mind, heart and soul. God bless those who are suffering through a divorce, May God’s light guide you and give you what you need to overcome.

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  57. denny

    I have a situation similar to many I have read on here, only I am the one that caused it. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, but I have been cold and uncaring for several years. I’m in the Army, have fought several times in Iraq and Afghanistan, and my wife feels that we have completely grown apart, and are essentially living two separate lives. She says because of how cold and distant I have been she is no longer “in love” with me, and doesn’t even know if she still has any good feelings for me. We have a young daughter, 4, and for that reason and that reason alone she wants to try and work our marriage out. That being said, she doesn’t think it will work because she feels like she will NEVER be able to let go of the anger she has towards me, and even now while I’m trying to change and be there for her it is only making things worse because of how cold I was in the past. I do still love her, and want more than anything to work it out for my daughter, but I just don’t feel like she really wants that to happen, that she feels she will never forgive me and will never be happy with me again.

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  58. Lovely

    I’ve been married 8 years since I was 20 & have a 21 month old boy I have tried to fight for my marriage over and over again but he has clearly told me he has no will to try but he will live with me for our child. Being the person that I am I would not stray but he will, has, and is on a desperation rampage right now on dating websites. This situation breaks me apart because I don’t want to give up on my marriage or family but the more I see it the more I realize that it’s not me giving up.

    Reply

    1. Janice Hogan

      Have you prayed to God about this matter? Maybe the Lord is trying to tell you that it’s time to move on with your life and for your child. Your husband will look back some day and see where he messed up but by then it will be too late. You and your child deserve better than this. It will be hard and it will hurt but you will be better off in the long run. You are in my prayers.


  59. lucia

    i have a special situation, im mexican and my husband is american, We have been married for 2 years, but thats not all, im 26 and he is 20, actually i dont look that old, but my husband turn 21 in july, and im really scared about that, we were talking last night and and he said something about divorce becuase he wants, you know parties, bars and all those things, but he has that when he come down to our house, so i just dont know what to do, i feel really bad, i know thats selfishness, but i cant stop him, this is just a sad situation

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  60. Dana

    Any marriage that requires more than one counselor for both parties on a constant basis is a failure. Any marriage that requires either party to attend counseling to put the other persons past behind them is a failure. Ther are times when it’s just better to divorce.

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  61. R

    My husband recently told me he no longer believes in God. I am having a difficult time with his decision. As he was slowly losing his faith, I felt there was something wrong between us, even thinking he might be cheating. He lost his faith 6 months after we married & the same month we found out I was pregnant with our first child (Feb 2011) .He kept this a secret from me until Aug 2013, the same month our 2nd child was born. He is a member/administrator of a site for former believers. He is constantly texting/replying to people on this site. I feel very hurt that he did not share this with me in the beginning & that he has cultivated relationships (platonic as far as I know) with other people on this site, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with them, strangers, instead of me, his wife. I hate to admit I have lost my trust in him. I feel betrayed. He knew that a marriage based on God was something I valued & that I didn’t want to marry a man who was not a believer. He is a truck driver thru the week & home only on weekends which leaves no time for us to really work thru this. I do not want to dwell on resentment and anger. Please pray for our marriage, us & our 2children.

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  62. Ana

    Just pls pray for me as at times i feel like falling apart. I caught my husband on an affair, again and again for 2 yrs with the same woman who is also married. Recently we had confrontation with her husband which the most difficult part i guess. My husband has lots of means of communication e.g messanger, chat on text, email etc and all with password. Despite that im serving him, trying to love him more but im in doubt. He seem to have lots of secrets and lies. Sometimes im wondering if i could still go on… Pls pray that i may have more strength. That i may love God more so i could love and serve him more…

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  63. Karma

    Divorce is never ideal but sometimes there is no choice. Infidelity is a forgivable and forgettable. Things like total disrespect, or verbal, physical or sexual abuse of a spouse or children is not. And sometimes people grow in different directions. If the relationship is no longer healthy and loving it is not a good place for children whether the couple is married or not. I am divorced due to one such situation, but my ex and I made a commitment to always put our daughter first. This has been a 13 year commitment almost twice as long as our marriage. It equalled us remaining an extended family unit. My ex has not remarried but I have. He has spent most holidays with us and some vacations. We have remained friends and he became friends with my current husband. This type of situation requires all parties to set aside the past and move forward in the best interest of the children. It has developed into the best situation for all parties. Divorce does not have to be filled with hate.

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  64. lissa

    There is no such thing as divorce. It’s a superstition. Your one flesh spouse is your one flesh spouse until on of you dies regardless of how many legal documents are filed. How is it possible for any Christian to believe that some agent of the state can dissolve a covenant with God? Your one flesh spouse is your one flesh spouse no matter how many adulterous relationships one or both of you enter, even if those adulteries occur after some meaningless ink is applied to some meaningless paper and even if one or both of you get government sanction to call those adulteries “marriage.”

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  65. BETTER OFF!

    We were living in Saint Louis, MO and had discussed many times about moving to Arkansas to help take care of my 97 year old mother. In Sept. 2011, I lost my job and couldn’t find other work. So we both agreed that this might be God’s choice in our answer to move to Arkansas. I went on ahead and looked for work. I had been there 2 days when I got a job, and of course we were both excited about this. We rented a large rental truck and moved most all of the furniture except for a few things that he could use in the house in Saint Louis till I got settled in Arkansas.
    Dec. 2011, two days before Christmas he told me that he promised his daughter that he would never leave Saint Louis and he didn’t want to move to Arkansas. So things went from bad to worse. I tried very hard to make this marriage work; even reminded him of the vows we said before God but apparently that didn’t matter to him, and him being a Ordained Minister. He let our house in Saint Louis go into foreclosure; ruined my credit considering I had A-1 credit.
    Aug. 2012 I finally was tired of all iof it all and was paying off the rental truck, Vet bill, & Dr. bills that he had no intention of helping pay, besides me trying to pay $500.00 rent a month. He had no rent; he moved in with his sister & brother. So I filed for Divorce, under abandament and Divorce was final the last of Oct. 2012, just a few days before our 8th Anniversary. That was the best Anniversary gift I gave him. Now, that I look back on all of this, I don’t regret doing what I did.
    I have now moved in with my mother, who will be 98 this July. I truly believe the Lord had a big hand in this. Thank you Lord for making my life better.

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  66. EG

    I just want to say, that for the most part I agree, however in saying that, as a Christian I think its very judgemental to say some of this. Until you have walked thru someone else’s shoes its not fair to call someone selfish. My parents divorced when I was 11, and in my youth I still realized it was best. The tension, and fighting was beyond bearable. Sometimes some people can love each other, and not be able compatible. I was married 22 years and did everything I could to hold it together, however depression and misery had me almost suicidal…So am I selfish, does God Love me less? I don’t think so. The God that I believe in would not have put me on the path I’m on if he didn’t know what was best for me, my ex-husband, and children. Do not judge! It annoys me to hear people called selfish, 22 years of trying does not make me selfish.. Suicide would be a bigger sin in my eyes… So shame on all that judge divorced people. Generic statements such as some of the items brought up in this article are hurtful, and you do not have a clue as to what someone has been through..

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  67. Dayna Clayton

    I find it interesting that nearly all of the people who ended up divorced urge those struggling in their marriages to do whatever it takes to stay together…well, maybe not so much interesting as telling: from those who have endured firsthand what a divorce entails, from beginning to end, and after…don’t do it. It is a costly process that leaves it’s mark, financially and emotionally, long after it’s over. The only ones who walk away unscathed are the attorneys…and be prepared…once attorneys are brought into the picture, the battle lines have been drawn…the shit is about to get real, and it’s going to be ugly. If the marriage has produced children who are still minors, and a battle for custody ensues, ugly will descend to living hell. No exaggeration. Children…which is ultimately where I’m going with this…are the ones who suffer the most in a divorce. Ask any adult what the hardest part of growing up was…if their parents divorced during those growing-up years, you’re going to get a pretty quick answer to that effect. (Ask that question of adults who’s home stayed intact, and, unless some other traumatic event occurred, probably just growing up is what you’ll hear.) It does not matter how amicable the split. No longer having mom/dad living with them in their home is a huge loss to a child…and hurts just the same. And then there’s love…that unending, unconditional love that we do our best to convey to our kids we will feel for them, no matter what. But, if one parent can stop loving the other, or they don’t love them in the same way they used to, then the possibility now exists that their parent could one day stop loving them…or no longer love them in the same way that they used to…somehow this child must reconcile what they had always been told and believed love to be with what is happening to the love their parents shared. Parents splitting up completely unravels for a child what love is…what it means to love and be loved. And it unravels in the most hurtful way possible…divorce. That child must now redefine and form a new concept of what love is now…there really is much to be said for staying together for the sake of the kids.
    If divorcing, please remember…as parents of a child, you share one inescapable fact…you can’t hurt each other, like it or not, without hurting your child even more. What puts a frown on the other parent’s face, will surely not cause your kid to smile. The opposite is true, as well. I can’t help, but think that, as mom and dad…the best way to love our children, is to love each other.

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  68. CM

    A marriage cannot work when the relationship was based on a lie from the get go, especially when you are referring to undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. There’s only so much the other person can do before it’s obvious that it’s a sinking ship. Especially if there are children involved, you need to decide if you’re going to sink with the ship, or jump and try to find shore. The first point in the article was “selfishness”. This is definitely selfishness, but from the part of the one who neglected to tell the other spouse their entire mental and medical history. There should be some kind of test available to make sure that the person you are going to marry is medically and mentally healthy. If someone knows they suffer from a disease or condition, it is their obligation to confront the other person with a full disclosure.

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  69. Dawn Freeman

    The truth about divorce is that it is hard but necessary at times. Sometimes, people marry the wrong people because they aren’t seeking God and His will for them. Other times, people marry for the wrong reasons as out of duty or obligation. Also, in the case of abuse and violence, it is the only real way out of a bad marriage. God never wants two unequally yoked people to be joined together. (2 Corinthians 6:14) People cannot change or save others. Only God can change and save them. (1 Corinthians 7:15-16)

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  70. Sharon

    I am sure many on here can relate….But I hope it will also be encouraging for those just starting this journey….
    In October of last year I happened to be standing next to my husband (of 14 years0 phone when a message came in.. imagine my surprise when it said “Do you want so new pictures?” and next followed some naked shots of someone that was a friend.. That was my wake up call to our marriage being completely off course. There had been disagreements over the years, extreme stress when we had a terminally ill child, and over time our communication was not nearly as strong or loving as it should have been, but for him to be having this type of “relationship” with someone else was infuriating, confusing and disheartening. Needless to say, I later would discover it was one of 4 just like this one.. inappropriate emails and texting, exchange of naked pictures, and the women were ones I had called my “friends”. Then there was the physically adulterous affair that had spanned the past 8 years- with my best friend. But before I knew anything more than just the first person issue, I started talking to a counselor and he asked lots of great questions to really make me find where my heart, head and loyalty resided. The best question of all? “If you divorced today, would you stay single for the rest of your life?” If the answer is NO, then its time to fight for your marriage. Don’t misunderstand me, this is not a contest, there is no possibility that any of these other women will ever be the “winner”. I don’t mean that I would sacrifice everything to “win”, I just mean that no adulterous woman can ever be a winner with a married man. This was about me, and my marriage and how I wanted my marriage to be built. But I had to choose if I wanted to be married- and the answer was a resounding YES! So here’s what that meant- I needed to act like a married woman; I need to give my husband the attention, respect, time, kind words, intimacy and affection that he deserves. I need to show him in words and in actions that he and our family is the most important thing to me. To start, I sent him an email after making my decision and simply said “I want us to start seeing a marriage counselor and repair our marriage.” I did not tell him that I knew about the “others”… yet. At first he said he thought we could do this on our own- I told him that I was already seeing someone and felt like we really needed someone to help us navigate how we got to this place in our marriage. 2 days later and completely on his own he found a Christian counselor and scheduled an appointment for himself that week. He has since told me that he went that day scared to death of what the counselor would say when he admitted to his adultery and inapporpriate relationships. He truly thought our marriage would be over when he confessed to me. He works in a profession where adultery is rampant and we have had many conversations over the years about people we knew- and my stance had always be “If you want to sleep with someone else at least be man enough to file for our divorce first”. A few days after his counseling session I sat down with him and told him that I wanted some guidelines for us. 1. Divorce was not an option. 2. Bad influences and people needed to be removed from our life (purging of toxic friends on Facebook, at work, at our activities etc). Of course I also meant those other women too. 3. We needed to be 100% honest about everything no matter what it was and how we thought the other person would react. 4. We would make our marriage a priority- adding a daily couples Devotional, joining a small group at church and going on dates at least 2x per month.
    Ultimately he confessessed to everything, I gave him my forgiveness and we have continued seeing a counselor as well as following the guidelines we agreed to. The counselor has taught us a lot. Especially about how we often misinterpret what the other needs. We have lived with unrealistice expectations of each other and needed to learn how to say what we needed and be willing to win together as a result. We have completely turned our marriage around. We are both truly sorry for all of the wasted years of not being 100% happy and truly living a godly marriage.
    As far as the past goes, we agreed to have 1 day where I could ask all the questions I needed to ask- and he would answer everything with 100% transparency. In return, it would then stay in the past. Every once in a while something still creeps in to my mind, but I just close my eyes and pray for God to change my heart. There are some great books out there to help get you through adultery or even just a challenging marriage. I highly recommend “He Wins, She Wins”, “His Needs, Her Needs”, “Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken” and then for Couples Daily Devotionals, “Draw Close”, “The Couples Love Dare” and “Lifelong Love Affair” and then when you need some good laughs together, try Mark Gungor videos and his book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. And I don’t want to forget the books by Dave Willis- easy to read, simple to follow and uplifting!

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  71. Brittany

    I caught my husband doing drugs and he had been doing them for a few months, I gave me another chance and we have been working on our marriage. Well three months later he never has stopped and keeps going behind my back and using. He’s lied to me, stole money, I have drug test that I give him randomly when I suspect something and he’s never passed one. I kicked him and think I want a divorce. We have 2 small children that I don’t want seeing that or growing up around it. He never brings it home or around us. I’ve tried talking to him, working with him
    About going to meetings, praying, getting involved with church. He’s a good father and husband but he can’t stop using drugs. What do I do?

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  72. Kim

    I need advice on what I can do to saving our marriage. Married 14 years, 2 kids at home, he left & got his own apartment 9 months ago. With intentions to divorce. He told me he will never come back. Though he got the papers to fill out and file he hasn’t. I asked him this week if he knew when he was going to file. He said No.
    He said left because we argued and fought. We had issues with how we dealt with problems. Not being able to accomplish resolutions or how to avoid similar problems later. I struggled with over reacting. He struggles with negativity & how he knows that he would regret staying because we’d start fighting again. Although I have talked with him about ways we could change how we approach issues, he was unwilling to try because it will go back to the way it was. Same with finances. He wouldn’t agree to work together on a financial program because he says I’ll end up quitting. I We struggled with a balance with responsibilities, emotions. And we didn’t function as a “we” . Although he says that’s what he wanted, his actions didn’t reflect it. The more I tried to connect the less he was willing to put forth. He stopped telling me he loved me and stopped kissing me. But, he expected us work at that time. Which started 3 years ago with him with holding affection. No matter how I explained how important those were to me & why, he wouldn’t budge. Everything feel apart when he had to accept a job on a different shift than mine. During the week I worried about our connection. So I tried to keep it by texting. But I became an “over texter”. When I felt rejected I went thru different mood swings trying to deal with it. But, here’s the twist I feel which is baffling to me. On the weekends you’d think we were at each others necks. We weren’t. We got along pretty good. When we did spend time together we really didn’t have issues. I enjoyed myself more than he did because I was finally getting what I needed. He would try to put aside any confrontations we had during the week. But he couldn’t fully enjoy our time tighter because he still had our last argument on his mind. Then Monday came & he kinda shut me out. The problem was I was still in the we are connecting mode. Then I would get rejected and wed start all over. So that’s why he left. I out too much pressure on him and I pushed. Being separated has helped me with this. Although I still catch myself over texting and pushing for us to reconcile. We still talk. He comes over and spends time at our house. Eats dinner and plays family games. He’s spent nights and holidays with us but he won’t touch me. He Helps fix things that i cant. He recently told me he only does those things because the kids live here. He says he not happy living alone & coming home to nothing but he still is firm about not coming home to his family. I always have been there for him & never turned my back on him. He tells me I get the wrong idea when he spends time at the house. We’ve cooked dinners together and talked over coffee. We get along really well. If a man really wanted us to be over I would think he wouldn’t want to be around me or spend all day at our house to just see his kids when he has his own apartment. He doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge that I have changed many of my personal issues that caused us problems. because i have changed some things with how i talked and relate with him we were able to effectively work through a few issues that have come up. And it hurts because I can see the potential and he doesn’t. And wont acknowledge that we had overcame one of our big marital problems. It’s been nine months since he’s left & he won’t come home but hasn’t filed for divorce & has no idea when he will. Is it too late for us? If not how should I proceed? Any advice on what I should or shouldn’t do to get the best possible chances to save our marriage?

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  73. Mikel

    I was married 20 years to a narcissist. They refuse to do anything to help their marriage. He refused counseling, he refused to stop talking secretly to another woman and he left me with two kids and all the bills. I tried everything I could think of to save our marriage, nothing worked because my ex just gave up. Happily married to Mr. Wonderful now. And yes, you are right…#1 reason for divorce is selfishness. My ex made that perfectly clear.

    Reply

    1. ashley

      I’m starting to think my husband has narcististic (spelling) tendencies. Its his way or no way. Hes mean. Threatens divorce and separation anytime things don’t go his way. He only loves on me when he wants some. He doesn’t seem to care about our marriage. He doesn’t wear his wedding ring anymore and blames it on his job. He is a hard worker and good provider but he’s just a down right asshole. He used to be sweet loving and caring. One day it just changed… Now I can’t figure out how to get back on track. Your story inspired me. Lets me know there is hope wether its with him or not!


  74. Sheila

    Unfortunately it takes 2 people to make a marriage work . My husband filed for divorce a month before he left for Afghanistan (I chalked it up to nerves about going to war). I begged and pleaded but he had made his mind up (our kids were 1, 3,
    And 5). I found out about his affair when he was over sees. Still begged and pleaded . He was gone a year , he came home 2 weeks before our divorce was final , he has now married the mistress (who is 15 years younger then him ) and they have a child together . And he is the 1 angry with me because I too have remarried and the happiest I have ever been . Our kids are now 5, 6. And 9.
    I don’t wish divorce on anyone , but if both people aren’t willing to try it just doesn’t work.

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  75. Staci Frye

    My husband started a pattern of deep emotional abuse barely 30 days into our marriage. He’s tortured, poisoned and killed my animals. I’ve been raped and physically abused. He’s emotionally abused my children. He’s cheated with both men and women. I have no family, no friends and no access to funds to leave. My children haven refused to agree to a shelter. I went to my church in desperation and was told to accept God’s wake up call with humility. My husband has been diagnosed with a host of mental and emotional disorders. There’s no help for me unfortunately. No church, no family and no friends. What does one do in my situation?

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  76. alexia

    How do u make a marriage work when your spouse won’t help financially, emotionally, or put his all in it. Over every little fight or argument we have he wants to pack up and leave. And leaves me stuck with bills, kids, and a dog. And just a burdened. How do I go about showing our girls what a marriage is supposed to be like. If I put up with it which I have my kids think I’m stupid for putting up with him. But also shows them how to fight for your marriage. And if I leave him then it is a failure, but on the other hand to stand up on their own as women and and not put up with disrespect and being put down all the time. I am already previously divorced due to my 2 oldest daughters father leaving me for his Secretary, I put up with him because my parents instilled in me that phrase “til death do you part, in sickness and in health, and rich orpoor.” I didn’t have a choice then it was made for me. I took my time to heal and after years I moved on only to end up with someone who is selfish in every way an alcoholic and doesn’t want to keep a job. We had a child who was our miracle baby. I do love some qualities about him but right now the bad out weighs the good. I have prayed and continue to we have taken counseling. I am heartbroken and lost I just don’t know what to do.

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  77. amanda

    no counselor, teacher, friend, or family can help fix your marriage. put all your trust and faith in our almighty God and seek HIM for guidance! HE is the answer and its up to both husband and wife to seek him. prayers, forgiveness and trusting in Our faith in GOd saved our marriage.

    Reply

  78. Jen Tippett

    You are right to put selfishness as number one. But in a different light, Being previously married to a very selfish man who put his own life ahead of his children’s and his wife, after 7 years, three separations, and countless counselors. I chose to divorce. I chose divorce for myself and my children. I don’t regret it for one second. The children now have a better relationship with their father because of my choice and I am happily remarried. The children are well adjusted and much happier then being In a toxic Environment. Divorce isn’t the black and white issue that you seem to make it. There is a lot of gray area. Thanks.

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  79. Anisa

    I have a great husband that works hard every night so i can stay home with our boys. We..are a young couple. we are both 21 and we have been married. for four years and have a 2 year old and a month old boy everything is great we aren’t. the normal young couple but with everyday life goin on around us and two young boys we kinda feel like roommate instead. of soul mates but i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me we have just forgot how to make time for us with him workin third and two kids and when we do talk to each other we are snapping at each other please help

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  80. katie

    I need help or some kind of advice I am down to the last string of my marriage. I been married to my husband a year and so Sep 15 will make 2 years. My husband has left me bc I stood up for my self to his brother my husband and I had argued that about drinking I had work the next day and he was going to have the baby he got mad at me bc of that and his brother started getting in our business about telling him he had his own vehicle and he can do what ever ext. This guy is 25 not married don’t have no kids and hes trying to give him advice??? Well I stood up for my self the brother got in my face calling me names and talking mess to me bc I told him it was none of his business what went on in mine and my husband arguments so keep your nose out and my husband sticks up for him but not me I’m getting called names I’m getting disrespected in my own home so he left me that night bc of that now he is putting us out of our home bc I don’t make enough at my job to pay our rent and he’s wanting to be on child support Im his wife and the mother to his child and he didn’t stick up for me??? I don’t understand what I did so wrong to deserve this I want my marriage to work I don’t want a divorce I miss my husband I miss my family please if any one can help I will really appreciate it

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  81. Maria

    I come from a Christian family where marriage is highly respected. Unlike my husband’s family, that believes that men either cheat or they’re gay. I’ve hit the jackpot with my husband: he’s verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. To make matters worse, he’s a womanizer, drug, and a gambling addict. I maybe completely missing God’s message, about the whole sacrificing and praying wife, but I’ve done that for 7 years. Am I wrong for wanting a divorce?

    Reply

    1. Allison

      Maria – I thought for a moment you were telling my story… My parents and grandparents reminded me the day before the wedding that “we don’t get divorced in this family, we pray and work it out.” I tolerated nearly two years of adultery, manipulation, isolation, and emotional abuse that eventually became physical. When it came right down to it, I was fortunate enough to have a family that supported my decision to file for divorce (I expected to be disowned), a church family that welcomed me back like the prodigal son, and despite the devastation I felt for leaving my marriage, God gave me absolute peace in my choice. I can’t say whether it’s right or wrong for you, but I hope and pray that you’ll have the strength and support to make your own choice, and that you’ll have the same peace I did, whatever you choose. You can’t make a marriage work by yourself, it has to be both parties, and I truly believe that God forgives the individuals that leave a marriage to protect their safety or save their lives. You’re not alone, and I’ll be praying for you!


  82. Tammy

    I just divorced for the second time this January. He cheated on me for the first two years of our marriage and the 3 years of our courtship before. But when I found out, I left…I left our home…our life. I missed my best friend. So I went back and tried to make it work. Things went south from there….4 years of counseling, church going, even joining a group to reignite our marriage. But he gave nothing in return. I finally left last fall and I’ve been marked the bad guy because I was the one who left…because I was so tired of giving and giving to someone who would always take and take…til I had nothing let. I still miss him so much. He was the best friend I ever had. I still love him. This article is right on. Thank you for helping me see I made the right choice.

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  83. Lynn

    We have to stop trying to shout down and bury every principle by tossing our own anecdotal exceptions at it. If your wife cheated on you 60 times, threatened to kill you, then moved out of the house and filed for divorce — I’m sorry you went through that, by why are you raising objections to this post? It CLEARLY does not apply to your circumstance. You know it doesn’t apply, so what’s the problem?

    The fact is that divorce is rampant, and according to any reliable data on the subject infidelity and abuse are not cited as the reason for the vast majority of divorces. The vast majority are more along the lines of what the dude at the grocery store said.

    Also, I’ve heard from people who have been divorced THREE or FOUR times, and STILL think that they were the victim in every one of them. Four marriages later, and they can’t find the common denominator. This is a level of obliviousness so extreme that it borders on insanity.

    Finally, conflicts between people can very rarely be blamed solely on one person. Now, if you’re suffering from physical abuse then that is the exception. Your abuser’s actions are his or her fault, and theirs alone. Period.

    But most other conflicts are two-sided. I’ve witnessed many long running feuds between people, and I’ve never in my life seen one that features a clear bad guy/good guy dynamic. I’ve been involved in a few feuds myself, and the same applies. I was angry at the other person at the time, but looking back I can see that they had as many reasons to be angry as I did.

    So for the people who say, “The divorce was all their fault. I did everything I could to save the marriage”: maybe you did. Maybe you’re the exception. But you probably aren’t and you probably didn’t. I’m sorry, but that’s the hard truth.

    Reply

  84. ashley

    I haven’t much to ask except how do you keep your marriage when your the only one fighting for it and the only one who cherishes it?

    Reply

  85. laura

    We have been ripped apart by him cheating. I held on and with God and some awesome friends who wanted to help me fight for my marriage we have come out on top! It has been almost 10 years and Iam finally seeing the blessing the Lord had for us coming true. He has strated to come to the Lord we love each other and comunicate so much more. Hang on and rememeber when you where at your worst and rejected God he held on and waited for you!!!

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  86. Been There

    I have been separated from my Husband for more than a year and a half. More than two years ago he asked for an open Marriage. I said No and tried everything i could think of for 8 months to work on our marriage. I skipped Church services to spend time with him. He is an Atheist and his work had him away alot. My relationship with God was also making him uncomfortable. I tried to find interest in his hobbies. I tried to give him space and time with men whom I thought were happily married. I suggested Marriage counseling and he would flat out refuse, sometimes becoming angry.
    However, every time we tried to talk seriously he would start with something along the lines of, “I just don’t think I can be ‘happy’ like this.” Finally after 8 months and lots of ‘conversations” I told him I couldn’t continue working on my own. That I couldn’t make him want to stay married to me. I told him I wasn’t going to kick him out of the house. The kids needed a father. I told him none of his partners were welcomed in the home. He was to keep it away from the children and that if that was the life style he chose to continue I would not be following him the next time his job moved him. I was not going to remove the kids and I from our support system. 5 1/2 months later he moved in with one of his Girlfriends. They have a polyamourous relationship. Multiple partners for both of them. He comes over to see his children 0-2 times a month for a few hours. He/we are filling for divorce as soon as my broken foot heals.
    On the positive side he pays, more than voluntarily, more then half (probably about 3/4) of his pay to me paying nearly all our bills so I can continue to stay at home with the children and homeschool. I am starting a home daycare so I can pay the remaining bills and provide a few extras for the kids. He has pledged to send extra when he has it. He is not a bad person but he is SO lost.

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  87. Michelle

    I’m the one that cheated.. not once, but twice physically and who knows how many times mentally.

    Why? Because I felt that my needs were not being met. Because I felt I wasn’t good enough. Because I wasn’t appreciated. Because I wasn’t heard. Because I believed I deserved better…

    Notice a problem here? Hopefully you will see that the resounding “I” in my sentences…

    It wasn’t until I surrendered my heart to God.. and then something happened.. He started showing me how He sees me, and how He sees my husband, and how He forgives me despite my shortcomings and how He only asks that I love the way He loves me.

    My husband didn’t change, until God changed me. Now… I look at other couples and I dare not judge… I dare not say what they should be doing or haven’t done. I dare not point the finger, because all it takes is a moment to deviate from God’s plan for us to sin against Him… in thought, action.. or our hearts.

    Now… I am forever in a humbled state… because God is allowing me to see what He has done.. How He resurrected what was once dead to use for His glory.

    Don’t lose hope.. there is nothing impossible for God.

    Reply

  88. Q

    Been there and done that and when your spouse has already left the building there is nothing you can do to make them come back short of changing who you truly are. They might come back if you lower your standards, or put yourself in degrading situations. Allow him/her to break your heart and your children’s heart(s) again. Making yourself regret so much and becoming someone you are not. You cannot make someone love you. It’s just that simple. I tried for months to make my marriage work and everyone under the sun but me knew he was cheating. I felt so low, so disrespected, so alone, just so…. it was horrible. And I tried to shield our children from it the best I could and we really didn’t have a chance to sit down ‘together’ and speak to our children. He was to busy cheating. And all of these years later I am still paying for because my children truly believe I am the guilty one, the devil, when I did nothing but try and save my marriage. I got married planning for LIFE, not 10 years. I was ready for love, happiness, sorrow, pain, good, bad… whatever come what may hit it head on… together. But obviously he wasn’t.

    Reply

  89. Melissa

    As a child from a divorced home who is now married and grown with children of my own I can tell you this- the pain and loss are still with me and my parents. My parents still ask about each other even though both are remarried. Sometimes they tell me that looking back they can see what they did wrong and maybe “if”…….. They both have told me that they still love each other even in a small way. So live your marriage in a way that 20+ yrs from now you’re not asking What If. Pray. Love each other. Respect each other. Bare your insecurities to one another. Never assume. Talk openly and honestly with each other. Keep boundaries between your marriage and the world.

    Reply

  90. Jan

    I wish, wish, wish my husband had read this before he chose to have an affair and end our marriage. You’re right – it was totally selfish. And though our 3 children are over 18 (barely!), they’ve been badly impacted by what has happened to their family. I’m financially and emotionally devastated!

    Reply

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