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How to rebuild trust

Trust is a tricky thing. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It is the security that makes intimacy possible. It can be simultaneously strong and yet very fragile. It takes great effort and time to build, but it can be broken quickly.

Almost every relationship has encountered difficulties over broken trust. I would even argue that most difficulties in relationships stem directly from a breach of trust. Strong relationships (especially marriages) require strong trust, so here are a few ways to to build it (or rebuild it).

rebuilding trust

Photo courtesy of ShutterStock.com

1. Don’t keep secrets.

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.

2. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should give forgiveness instantly (which is “Grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by it’s very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by it’s very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.

3. Don’t retaliate.

When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain that they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies!” When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for how trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.

4. Be consistent.

When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust.

5. Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms.

When an arm is broken, it has to be put in a cast to restrict its motion so it can have time to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.

6. Keep the Love alive.

The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.

For more tips and tools to strengthen your marriage, watch our free video on How to build intimacy and trust in marriage and check out our new book: “Marriage Minute: Quick and Simple ways to build a Divorce-Proof Relationship” or you can also download it straight to your iPhone or iPad.

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156 thoughts on “How to rebuild trust


  1. Samantha

    This is all so helpfull. Hopefully my husband and I can save our marria
    ge. I love him so much.

    Reply

    1. Peris

      Samantha, you and your husband are in my prayers as I request that you keep my husband and I in your prayers too. Our Almighty Father is paving the way for rebuilding of trust in our marriages. IJN!


    2. Mike Kauffman

      Wow. My heart goes out to you. Here’s praying for you that God will have His way. I am in the same shoes, but reversed. I love my wife like crazy, even though I messed up. And with Gods help, I will win my wife back.


  2. Elice

    But what if the person refuses to be truthful. Continues to lie and do their own thing regardless on how bad they have hurt the other. Then what? If they contine to lie and hurt the other person, is there really any point in trying.

    Reply

    1. Brenna

      I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I tried working on it, but he continued to lie… couple days ago, He told me he had another girlfriend. ‘Im lost


    2. Comet Ncube

      Honey. He is not ready to be in a committed relationship. And sorry to say. .neither are you if you stay with someone who would disrespect you like that. You have to set standard for your relationship in order to guard it effectively and build a healthy and truly loving relationship. I understand why you feel lost its because you are placing all your security in him.


    3. Comet Ncube

      Where you should be placing your security. Our security is in jesus. Put your efforts in your relationship with christ first then you will know what you should expect from a man. I hope this helps.


    4. Anna

      Trust cannot be rebuilt if the offenses are continuing. Forgiveness can be given whether they are sorry or not. But, I don’t believe trust can be rebuilt if they are not sorry enough to change their ways.


    5. Jen

      God tells us to forgive and we have to for own sake. However, I personally feel that if that person can’t be truthful and put the effort that’s needed into you being able to trust them again then they aren’t really deserving of your trust, love, and time. Don’t sell yourself short. Love shouldn’t hurt all the time. That’s only my personal opinion if the person isn’t willing to try to do what’s needed for you to move on together as a couple.


    6. Donna

      It is really hard to build trust again in my marriage. I keep getting told “I’m done, I won’t do it again” just about the time I start thinking it’s okay I find out again it’s still happening. Everyone has their point of no return. Life is too short to keep putting up with and trying think it will work out. Christ is the only sure thing in this life!!


  3. Jenni

    Thank you for this article. My husband made a huge mistake and we’ve been on the rocks for a while. I was angry, disgusted and hurt and spent quite some time trying to punish him (which I know was a poor choice but I can’t change it now). I particularily enjoy the analogy of the broken arm in relation to giving up certain freedoms. My husband has been resisting this idea from the beginning and I was at a loss for how to explain why I needed him to refrain from going and doing certain places/things. I am going to pit it terms like that and see where it takes us next.

    Reply

    1. Krys

      My husband wasn’t too happy about the restritions either but he eventually realized they were needed if he wanted me to be able to get passed his mistake. He has to check in everywhere he goes, I have complete access to his phone, computer and all email, and we go to counseling. He regrets it and is willing to deal with the aftermath of my emotions. It won’t be easy and will take both of you. But you can use it to strengthen your marriage and make it better.


  4. Murry

    This is truth. Both parties have to be submitted to Christ for this to work. Don’t expect things to get better overnight. It’s been almost 18 months and I still have times when the pain of what happened washes over me like a wave. But God’s grace is sufficient. And I am more than a conqueror. Incidentally I have seen such a change and spiritual growth in my wife since she confessed and sought my forgiveness. I struggle when I am reminded of what was and take my eyes off of where we are now and where Christ is taking us. Hang in there it gets better. I’m not there yet but everyday gets a little easier. Rejoice in the small victories as they come. God loves you both!

    Reply

    1. Lin

      Thanks for telling me you’re at 18 months. I’m at 10 months and I know it takes a long time to get thru this. I can’t tell what’s harder. The first few months or these months coming up to the year mark where you remember the episodes where you thought something was up but if course, didn’t expect that!!


    2. Ellen

      I’m right at two years….its gotten easier but “the anniversary” of the confession is always difficult. I also find it difficult went he starts acting the way he did back then, but I openly question him about it now. He still doesn’t understand that just because I forgave him that doesn’t mean I’m going to trust him 100% even now. He still has to answer where he’s been and why he’s so late getting home.


    3. Kim

      I am with you Lin!I am at 7 months. I felt like I was handling it pretty well and then all of a sudden around the 5th month I got hit with a lot of hate and vengeful feelings. Not towards my spouse per se, more towards the other person and the situation itself. I have forgiven my spouse and have no regrets over the decision to commit to making the marriage work but I can’t seem to shake the hatred I feel towards the other person. Hope this is part of the healing process.


    4. Sadeya

      It’s been over 5 years and it hurts as much today as the day I found out my spouse was having an emotional affair. An emotional affair is much worse than a physical affair. It’s easier to break the physical “tie”. The trust is gone and will probably never be regained. I don’t believe anything that is said by my spouse. The affair supposedly ended right after I found out, but they still work together.


    5. cc

      What a good word you shared for those who are hurting.
      God Bless you and your wife and others on this page.


  5. Rachel

    I’ve learned that forgiveness is a choice that I have to make everyday. Saying it once doesn’t work. It takes prayer and a conscious decision every single day.

    Reply

    1. Anna

      I agree. Forgiveness is everyday. Sometimes, many times a day. Keep praying!


  6. Lulu

    Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do. My husband had an emotional affair with someone that I know and helped when she was having a difficult time. So I feel betrayed by two people, not just one. How do I forgive and move on? This is something that I have been trying to do for 2 years! I feel like the only way to move on is by having them hurt the way that I was hurt, but of course that is impossible. My husband has turned to the Bible and has become more religious and is “Happy” but I can’t find my “happy place.” Anybody have any suggestions or experiences that worked for them?

    Reply

    1. Lin

      Is your husband making great strides in earning your trust? I’m taking the “you can’t drive forward if you’re looking in the rear view mirror”. Easier said than done. I try to focus more on the present and stop digging thru the trash. The present time is the gift. And I’m on my knees to God when I reach a wall. I feel for you!


    2. Bec

      Marriage counseling can be a wonderful if BOTH parties go into it with an open mind. With the right counselor, they can help you sort your thoughts, fight fairly, and learn to communicate.
      It sounds silly but they had us take a Briggs-Meyer personality test and a Kiersey temperment test. You can find both online. But it helped us see that the way I show love , is how I expect to recieve it. And if we’re not aware of what the best way to communicate with each other, then there’s inadvertently hurt feelings. Then the situation compounds itself. For example, I show love by helping others, doing small or large tasks to help others. So I’d my husband was forgetful about housework or errands I asked him to do, I took it very personally. But he showed love by frequently telling me he loved me or that I look nice. I am more of the “actions speak louder than words” school of thought. I also grew up in a home that wasn’t very emotionally open. So I often neglected to voice my feelings, and he was left feeling hurt. It was a vicious cycle that created distance. But we have overcome that and bigger obstacles! It is possible. Keep the faith. Good luck!


    3. LMB

      Holy cow! You are an exact replica of my husband and I! He always voices his love and I find it so hard to voice so I show by actions and this has caused a major hiccup in our relationship. I can’t wait for us to take the quizzes you suggested.


    4. Bec

      Also, don’t be afraid to draw boundaries! Its within your rights as a wife to say, “this is what I consider crossing the line….” and expect him to abide by that. Ask for transparency until you feel you can trust him again. I hope that you both have distanced yourself from said “friend.”


    5. Andrew

      Find the love of Jesus and learn about His forgiveness. This is how you can forgive your husband and be healed of your hurt and pain.


  7. Anonymous

    Found out about a month ago my wife cheated on me and had sex with one of her exs this has been hard cause she claims she is not talking to him no more but she refuses to erase his number from her phone so I took her phone and erased the number then she gets mad at me for this so I think they are still talking and dont know what to do im so lost and hurt right now the only reason I have not left is our kids

    Reply

    1. Ellen

      I will tell you, the only reason I stayed in the beginning was because of my son. And while that is a great reason, it eventually has to move towards you loving her. I personally would suggest marriage counseling to her for both of you. You really can only make it work if both of you are willing. At this point, it seems she is not willing. If she were, there would be no hesitation in deleting this man not only from her phone, but from her life. But no matter what her decision is, you have to decide for yourself about forgiving her. I talked to a friend not long after NYT husband’s affair. He had been thru the same with his wife, but in the end she decided to leave him. I asked him if he would have taken her back had she been willing and without hesitation he said yes… Because Jesus/God accepts us back when we fail. We often put other things before God and in essence we are “cheating” on him with our love of so many worldly things….yet, he welcomes us back with open arms. It helped me in seeing that sometimes people really do deserve a second chance. And it is vital to your happiness, that you forgive otherwise anger and bitterness will eat you alive.


    2. Mars

      trust rebuilding is difficult but vital for a successful marriage, the best way is to maintain and guard jealously trust in our spouses. If it happens that trust is lost for some reason, steps to regain trust begins with willingness by both parties to restore the lost trust. Its the duty for all to find the root cause of loss of trust and rectify it. Cheating with exboy/girlfrirend can be as a result of an unsolved marital problem or unfulfilled expectation which the other spouse thinks he/she can get from ex-lovers. Communication is key to a successful marriage. Seek counseling from your marriage mentor as a couple and consult the mentor even if your marriage is good. The mentor should me a mature couple whom you cherish as a couple. Above all commit your marriage to God for He is a families designer & builder. Psalms 127 v 1.


    3. Ron Petersen

      I went through the same thing, it’s been two years and an adoption of a little one and two weeks ago I found out she was once again having another affair. This time though she decided that saving our marriage was not in her best interest and I am now going through a divorce. It hurts because I was so willing to forgive, forget and rebuild the relationship, I took vows to honor, cherish and to love for better or worse and I kept my vows. I have felt for quite some time that it was all my fault and that I am not worth the fight, but with help I have come to realize that it’s not me and I AM worth the fight as our Savior showed me. He gave his life in order to let me live and for that I am truly blessed.Keep your head up and I hope all works out well for you.


    4. Jen

      Please know that when a person cheats its a choice that THEY make! It is something that they do on their own accord not because of you. All you can do is give your all. Sometimes people don’t have enough self respect for themselves to guard their bodies and realize that they are joined to their spouse better or worse. Sometimes that person needs almost an ego stroking per se because perhaps they have low self esteem and are seeking attention all the wrong ways. My point is that you are worthy of love and never thing you aren’t. It’s not your fault.


    5. Aimee

      I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s been 2 months for me, and I only found out because the other woman told me. She didn’t know about me. I confronted my husband, at first he denied it, then finally admitted to it. We are on a tough journey. I have good days and bad. I just keep praying for God’s guidance. I pray that He will guide you as well.


    6. Comet Ncube

      Don’t stay in a relationship because of kids. Tension and anger in the home is just as bad as a broken home. If you want to split just do it amicably and peacefully for your kids sake and explain
      And show them that you both still care. If you want to rebuild your marriage face God and pray. Fight in spirit for your home
      But it’s not at all right what your wife is doing. She can’t keep your in limbo like that. I hope all gets better for you and your family. God is with you. Xx


  8. Anonymous

    Thank you very much for this article. It couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s like you saw into my soul. Thank you again.

    Reply

  9. Shawna

    This is a good article, hope it continues on. I agree with Rachel ^… It has been over a year and for me its a daily decision I have to make… Sometimes forcing myself to trust again, and to remember I have to forgive. Prayer is essential, but its me who carries this pain everyday, this is why I have to forgive. My happiness has to come from myself, forgiving will help but its a daily struggle. Love can conquer all if your heart is really in for the long haul. I could never imagine inflicting this kind of pain and heartbreak on the other person. People make mistakes, I have to forgive and see the love that is still there… Just keeping in mind, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Still trying to let go of the thought “the shoe will drop out of the sky and hit me in the head again”. Its just not healthy to hold on to that thinking.

    Reply

    1. Anonymous

      Love your post. Iv been in the same boat and it is a comfort in hearing from people who understand.


  10. Lin

    Once again, great advice!!! Your posts mean everything to us. So glad we did not separate to supposedly work things out. Neither wants to be apart but yet sometimes it takes great effort to just be in the same room. I tell him that’s all I got right then. That’s better than nothing. Recognizing the small steps is good. Trust can’t happen overnight, although it seemed so easy to give when we fell in love 24 years ago.

    Reply

  11. vanessa

    It’s comforting to know I’m not the only person whose been betrayed by their spouse.I’ve forgiven my husband more for my own sanity but have not regained the trust that was lost.I feel as if he’s still up to no good but have no proof.so I’m open with him and ask him.he denies any current wrong doing,but then why would he not bring in his phone to the house in my plain view?I’ve battled this with him for over 10 years and I just keep trying to make it work.but really when is enough enough?I do love him but the hurt has never gone away.how can you move forward without looking back?

    Reply

    1. still hurt

      I’ve also been trying to deal with this pain but I don’t know how I’m always crying I’ve got to move pass this just don’t know how


    2. Aimee

      I’m at 2 months. I was crying a lot. Now I’m down to just 1 or 2 days a week. It’s hard. Just keep praying. Find a friend who you can talk to. I found one and it turns out she went through something similar with her husband too. It helps to know you are not alone. I know you are devastated because I still am too. I pray that it gets easier for all of us.


    3. Aimee

      Wow! I completely understand. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve heard that sometimes spouses get better at hiding things if you take them back. I’m struggling with this right now. It doesn’t help that my husband and I are not living together. We haven’t for 2 months now. I’m waiting for something before I will give him the key again. He has started asking for the key, but I’m just not ready for him to be living with me again. Some things have to be said and done before I can do that. I will pray for you and for everyone’s message I see on here. In fact, I did pray for all of you today at mass. I pray our struggles get easier.


  12. anonymous

    I recently caught my husband chatting with another female on a chat forum. He had told her that if he wasn’t married he would sleep with her and my heart broke I felt my chest tighten up and I cried. I trusted this man with my life and while I was sitting here taking care of our kids he was sitting across from me chatting with her. It kills me to know that he would do this. He may not have went out and physically cheated on me but what he did still hurt so much that I almost just got up and left. Will the hurt ever go away? Will I ever be able to trust him again…. I ask myself these questions everyday since its happened.

    Reply

    1. Mars

      trust rebuilding is difficult but vital for a successful marriage, the best way is to maintain and guard jealously trust in our spouses. If it happens that trust is lost for some reason, steps to regain trust begins with willingness by both parties to restore the lost trust. Its the duty for all to find the root cause of loss of trust and rectify it. Cheating with ex boy/girlfrirend can be as a result of an unsolved marital problem or unfulfilled expectation which the other spouse thinks he/she can get from ex-lovers. Communication is key to a successful marriage. Seek counseling from your marriage mentor as a couple and consult the mentor even if your marriage is good. The mentor should me a mature couple whom you cherish as a couple. Above all commit your marriage to God for He is a families designer & builder. Psalms 127 v 1.
      With God, its possible to forgive and let go, this may be difficult but is vital. we all make mistakes. Mistakes can be good lessons if we are willing to learn from them.


    2. Aimee

      I empathize. I found out my husband was texting and talking on the phone with his other woman while I was in the same room!!! He even slept with her on multiple occasions. It is devastating to find out about the betrayal of a spouse! I’m still struggling each and every day. I hope that we are all able to have peace in our lives again.


  13. Anonymous

    I am on this constant cycle with my husband. We have been married for less than a year. He constantly asks me why I do not trust him and that I probably never will. How can I when he continues the same pattern of behavior and makes it seem as if he is no longer doing what he was doing for me not to trust him? I feel as if he wants to take absolutely no accountability for his actions. I attempt to discuss this with him which only results in diversion. He says that I have made promises that I do not keep regarding the way I treat him which he focuses on constantly instead of the true issue. Then when we begin to dig deep, he says we just do not work together and we should face reality and get a divorce. I get upset instantly because I did not get married to divorce when things get bad. I am absolutely tired of this constant battle. I change the way I do things to only be told I am putting too much effort into it because it is not real. Lost!!!!????

    Reply

    1. Aimee

      Oh no! I’m sorry that your husband keeps bringing up divorce as an option. I feel similar except that my husband doesn’t want divorce. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I’m at a loss myself. Have you tried counseling? Prayer? I will pray for you


  14. Anonymous

    This was very well put. We are working on rebuilding trust and it is not easy. but I love the way you wrote about forgiveness vs trust being earned and given. Thank you for writing this.

    Reply

  15. Becky

    I’m so glad I read this. It’s been a little over 2 years since I found out my husband had an emotional affair. Last week I came face to face with the woman. It brought all the pain back and to be honest it hurt more now than it did when I found out. He tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that he’s honest with me but I still struggle with trying to trust him again. I thought by now I would be over it but it never really goes away. It’s always in the back of my mind. I hope eventually I will be able to get passed it.

    Reply

  16. Anonymous

    Thank you for this, I am silently working on this area. I struggle because there is no recognition that there is a problem. The whole separate lives thing. Thank you for sharing this and for your website in general, I am a frequent visitor.

    Reply

  17. beverly

    I would really like to know how to reach my husband about giving us a second chance and to forgive and each other for all the faults, we both made a lot of mistakes, and its been 22 yrs of marriage, and i dont want to give up, but he seems to want to , he says he is not happy, and wants a divorce, i have tried talking to him, and dont know what to do, i dont even live with him. I want every opportunity to wk it out, how can i reach him and getting him to open up and give us a chance, he says he wants to put it all in the past and move foreward and get his life back.
    I guess i have ruined it all for him, and he doesnt want to take any parts. HELP

    Reply

  18. Wesley Long

    When your partner violates your limits and behaves in a way you find morally unacceptable, your trust is completely broken. Typically this happens after a betrayal when you’ve been cheated on, lied to, and treated with profound disrespect.

    Reply

    1. Sachka

      That is where I have been for a few years. Until recently my husband didn’t care and felt it was all no big deal. Now, he feels that he should work on things. I don’t know if we can get the trust back and not even sure I really want to. It has been almost ten years (out of 13) and I finally gave up. We still live in the same household but only as companions. I do not trust him and disrespect is huge. This we do not agree on. Our basic upbringings are worlds apart. He was raised that putting each other down and using derogatory names is normal and ‘ok’. It is very hurtful. We are very different but, to have a relationship, you must respect those differences and work through them not downgrade someone for the very things that make each of us unique! Counseling did not work. He does not believe in it so he fought it and the suggestions made.


  19. Melissa

    I’ve been rebuilding the trust in my marriage for a few months now. All I can tell you is that this article is dead on. And, take it one day at a time and one step at a time. I retreated into myself for a while. However, I didn’t walk away from the marriage. I had to take some time and focus on myself. My husband and I have been spending some time together and reconnecting. It’s still a work in progress, but we’re getting there. Also, pick 1-2 nights a week and turn off all technology and just connect to each other. We did turn on the radio and played dominoes for hours. It helps so much. And, pray. Pray a lot. For the strength to stay, for the strength to forgive, and for the strength to trust again. Especially in those moments when it’s easy to accuse (working late, boys night, etc). And find something that you love to do like painting, writing, running, reading, whatever you like to do. I found a lot of peace by doing what I love. Just make sure you don’t forget your spouse in the meantime. :)

    Reply

  20. little one

    I cheated on my husband BEFORE we got married. I lied about the frequency of the events of sexual encounters. He found the text messages in the phone bill and now he doesn’t trust me even after we got married. I admitted to everything and gave him full access to everything. I have nothing to hide. He said he forgave me but he still brings it up. I have since we have been married be 100% faithful. He still won’t trust me. Thank you for this article. It allows me to what I have to do in order to rebuild that trust. But how to do it when you are separated? Help.

    Reply

  21. j cannon

    I have forgiven my husband. But it’s hard to learn to trust when he hasn’t given up anything or given accountability to anyone. That hurts! If our marriage is important, don’t you think he should make some effort to show it. I don’t want to embarrass or hurt him in any way, but without acknowledging his sin and accountability, what’s to keep him from repeating it?

    Reply

  22. Kathleen

    My husband and I had been growing apart for years due to both of our work/home schedules. Rather than face our issues, I continued to bury my head in the sand (and lots of chardonnay) and re-assured myself that things would improve once he retired from his job in law enforcement. I always loved him, I just had grown very resentful of his long hours and had the poor me syndrome about essentially being a single mother for 15 years. Rather than make the best of what little time we did spend together, I grew distant and things worsened. He ended up having an affair – something I could never have even fathomed. When I discovered the affair – my world was instantly obliterated. He refused to be honest with me when confronted – .he lied about her identity, about what their relationship was – he told me he loved me and only me – that he didn’t love her – and that he assumed I didn’t love him anymore and that’s why he reached out to this “friend” – because he honestly didn’t think I’d care. Needless to say – I did care – and, in the end – thanks to the nightmarish other woman – everything came out via Facebook (Imagine that folks!!!) The hardest part for me in rebuilding trust was being lied to – especially after confronting him about the infidelity. It is a long, sad saga that would make for an outstanding Lifetime Movie – however, we spent countless days, weeks and hours talking, screaming, crying, going to counseling – and, I can honestly say this – it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I don’t think either one of us realized how deeply we loved each other until facing this thing head on. That being said – the healing is still a process for me – however we are walking through it together, stronger than ever – and I’m so very grateful.
    Thanks for your column – it, along with others – has been tremendously helpful to me! Keep up the great work -

    Reply

    1. Aimee

      Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m in a similar situation. It gives me hope. My husband also initially denied his affair. The other woman told me that he never told her he loved her which helps a tiny bit. Knowing that he only loves me, but then I think why did he cheat if he loves me?! It is a daily struggle, but your post provides me with some solace, to know that I’m not alone, that my marriage can be put back together. Thank you again for your post


  23. Elizabeth

    It is very hard to trust that person again. It has been almost 2 years since my husbands indiscretion and although our relationship is stronger, we communicate better, and we are more attentive to each other, there are still times when I replay it all over again in my head. I have given it to God because it is/was entirely too much for me to deal with on my own, but I still cannot stop the replay some times.

    Reply

  24. Staci

    After 8yrs of what I thought was the perfect relationship, I found out he had cheated & NOT Just once but twice. I bottled it up& held a grudge & it blew up & lead to me doin’ the same thing to him (NOT that i went out thinking of revenge though). I was DONE & he(though I couldn’t see it then) was infatuated & utterly at my mercy & was truly sorry for his mistakes& only wanted to spend our lives him making it up to me. When he found out, he was devastated,& I felt even worse having sank/stooped so low & letting it happen. But even more,I couldn’t forgive myself fit hurting him. But, we mended & rekindled our love & finally put it ALL behind us & are closer, wiser, stronger& better both individually & as a couple. It took years of blindness, years of bottling up & resentment,& Alotta forgiving & rebuilding, but we are better & closer & our love is stronger BECAUSE of all we got through together.

    Reply

  25. Marvin Breton

    My wife and I are married for 4 months now, and since we got married things have been pretty strained. Now, it has come to a point of whether or not she can trust me again. I was caught sending a picture to a female friend and lied about it. The female friends knows I am married and love my wife so I felt that it wasn’t a big issue, but when she caught me sending it, me being a man and trying to quickly diffuse the situation, lied about it instead of being upfront about it. Now my wife feels that she cannot trust me anymore, and I “cheated” on her by giving the female a picture of me that she also has. Now we barely talk if not don’t talk at all, don’t live with each other and I miss her so….. I know GOD has a plan for me in the storm, and I hope and pray that the spirit of forgiveness will touch her in hopes of working on rebuilding our trust…..

    Reply

  26. AJ

    Seriously read: Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Dobson!!!!! I hate to read but the contents of that book and praying and crying out to God for strength to forgive and trust again after my husbands emotional affair with a coworker a yr and s half ago, saved my marriage. Every time I have a negative thought I say ok God I know this isn’t true and things are getting better so take this thought and help me focus on what he is not just saying to me but what he is actually SHOWING ME that he is sorry and loves me and will be faithful…. this scenario happens so often it’s sad.. The Internet makes it too easy for people to sneak around :/ stay positive and hopeful everyone!!! There is ALWAYS hope

    Reply

  27. Anonymous

    It has been 2 1/2 years since I found out about a 2 year affair my me. The words I heard that night are words you never want to hear from the person you love am trust with all you have. Marriage has always been a struggle for us but it seemed we were always able to make it through. It has been a long road. As time goes by it does seem to get easier but is always there in the back of your mind. At times things take me back and I feel like I am right back In that time in my life and it hits you right In the core of your being. I at first I worried about every little thing. It was hard to trust I. Anything. I am GRATEFUL for a husband that has been more than willing to take responsibility and do all in his power to be open and honest with me to build back trust. A part of me always have a bit of sadness carried around do to this, but I also have learned to that at times when these rush of feelings and thoughts come to me that I have to take control and push it away. Replace those thoughts with happier ones. It is the only way to survive it. I find my self getting angry at times and wondering why me, but I do t want to play the victim card. I want to love and build a happy healthy marriage. Thought there may always be a scar my hope is that time will heal all pain. I am also glad in looking back how I am seeing that I am trusting more than I did and so that shows me that if things continue on the same path that I can reach total trust again.

    Reply

  28. Melissa

    Very good article! I read this article to my husband as we are in the process of rebuilding our marriage after his affair. Actually, I read many of your posts aloud with him. I like the analogy of the broken arm and restricting movement. I had tried to convey my feelings regarding this very issue but was unable. Also, how you discuss forgivness/trust and giving/earning. You have a wonderful ministry which helps many in need. Thank you!

    Reply

  29. annonymous

    WOW! The timing for me to read this and the comments from others was like it was sent to me personally. I am also dealing with the emotional affair problem. Its only been a few months and my husband just cant understand why I hurt so bad. He feels he did nothing at all wrong and therefor I guess I feel guilty and like a bad wife because I have lost the trust. I dont understand why I feel so bad for him when it should be the other way around. Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply

    1. Lisa

      I think you feel bad for him because you love him. None of his actions are your fault. The emotional roller coaster your on I think is normal considering what you are going through. Press on, stay in prayer and in the Word. Talk to a trusted woman from your church. Stay in church. God will bless you.


  30. anonymous

    Once you’ve been cheated on, you will always have that trust issue. My husband is doing everything possible to reassure me that nothing is going on anymore, but the same way he’s trying to reassure me is the same way he did when it was going on. It’s been 16 months since I found out and it’s still very difficult for me to trust him. It’s always on the back on my mind even though I try so hard not to think about it. This has been very difficult for me.

    Reply

  31. Mars

    trust rebuilding is difficult but vital for a successful marriage, the best way is to maintain and guard jealously trust in our spouses. If it happens that trust is lost for some reason, steps to regain trust begins with willingness by both parties to restore the lost trust. Its the duty for all to find the root cause of loss of trust and rectify it. Cheating with exboy/girlfrirend can be as a result of an unsolved marital problem or unfulfilled expectation which the other spouse thinks he/she can get from ex-lovers. Communication is key to a successful marriage. Seek counseling from your marriage mentor as a couple and consult the mentor even if your marriage is good. The mentor should me a mature couple whom you cherish as a couple. Above all commit your marriage to God for He is a families designer & builder. Psalms 127 v 1. With God nothing is impossible.

    Reply

  32. Lisa

    How do we rebuild trust when he is continually doing things to destroy the trust? I want my marriage to work but I won’t let him shatter my heart again.

    Reply

  33. Bd

    My husband and I have had a very difficult few years in 2011 we found out I was pregnant my husband left me that very day. Later on I found out it was because he was having an affair. Later that year during birth our daughter passed away. He refused to move back home and kept seeing the other woman. I kept praying that God would open his eyes and I never gave up on him or us. In November 2012 we moved back in together. It has been rocky and he left again for a month to be with her yet again. That about killed me but he moved back in again and since then things have been great. Our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been. My trust is still broken in him but I rely on God to help me with forgiveness. We have changed the way we talk to one another we no longer critique one another or speak in a harmful way to one another. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard but marriage I worth it.

    Reply

  34. Rosie

    I see a lot of female responses. As a female, I had to ask my partner for forgiveness early on in the relationship and we both have broken trust since, not in infidelity but in other ways. One thing I noticed about apologizing to my man is that it’s important to state why he’s mad, so he knows I’m listening and I consider his feelings. I usually say “I know your mad because…” And then follow it with “I’m trying to fix it by….” Also, once it’s been worked out there’s no reason to reheat the leftovers. Bringing it up again later is totally unnecessary.

    Reply

  35. Struggling

    Please pray for me and my husband. We have had financial problems that have led to dishonesty in my part. This has caused us major issues and he is wanting a divorce. We have been married for 18 years and I love him so much. He has changed in the last few years and blames all of his anger, distance and more all on me. We need help and fast.

    Reply

  36. Samantha

    I haven’t read through all of these comments but I am sure I connect with some of you. My husband is a Christian but a baby Christian and he doesn’t have the same morals and values as I do yet. Last weekend he did something to shatter my trust, he wasn’t unfaithful or anything of that nature but this is something that has already been a struggle in our marriage. He is not willing to follow the steps laid out so its really hard for me to trust him again and on top of it all we are having serious money problems… I’m just at a loss and feel my marriage slipping away!

    Reply

  37. Jessica

    This is something I struggle with on a daily basis for the past 18 months. It hurts like no other pain I have ever endured. I’m not sure I have forgave my husband because what he did wasn’t just to me but our family! I hold more anger towards him than the ‘ less of a woman’ who thought it was ok to do what she did because in my eyes he is to blame. He stood before God in church and made vows to me, not her. Every time it pops in my mind I try to push it away but it’s always there, he did it once will he do it again? Did I let him off easy? I deal with these questions every single day. I know I can’t fully heal until I forgive him but it takes time. He, needless to say is on a very tight leash and is perfectly fine with that. We have been married over 17 years, it may take 17 more to heal and be able to trust again but that is what we both want and with The Lord guiding the way it can be done!

    Reply

  38. Rusty

    I have issues on both sides of this. I have not been the perfect husband. I have lied to my wife, snooped in her emails and texts, and basically treated her her like a prisoner. It all started because I saw an email from her to a guy she had a fling with before we started dating. This led to explicit emails and a lingerie picture she sent him. She says she did all this to make me mad and make me feel.some of what she felt. Now she refuses to have sex with me, and treats me like I’m still snooping. I feel like she may have a “friend” that she’s talking with. A male friend. I can’t be sure because I’m keeping the pro mm use that I made not to snoop. But she says that she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to completely trust me again. Now how do I fix that?

    Reply

    1. Em

      Pray, pray, and pray. Continue to be open and honest with her. Talk calmly, don’t accuse or raise your voice. Treat her how you want to be treated. Flirt with her (this could help build up a desire for her to want to have sex again). Take time out of your schedules for just you and her without any tv, phones, or computer. Invest time into God and each other.


  39. Katie

    My husband and I were in a Dynamic Marriage class through our church. I knew deep down something wasn’t right but couldn’t figure it out. Half way through the classes, one morning, I woke up to my husband sobbing beside me. He was suppose to be at work already that day. I asked him what was wrong and that is when he confessed. Had we not been surrounded by Godly couples at that very moment in our lives I don’t think our marriage would have survived. He had slept with my sister. After a few weeks I decided that I should forgive him (and my sister) as God forgives me. It was the hardest decision of my life but we are now nearly 4 years passed that and have been married for nearly 10 years now. We are happier than ever! The thoughts still creep back sometimes and I get anxious or scared but we talk about it in that moment. God has to be present in your marriage. Love over time is what matters most!

    Reply

  40. Andrew

    I have made my share of mistakes in the past primarily as it relates to conversations with women that are inappropriate. Thankfully my wife has given me the opportunity to regain her trust though I do fail. I don’t always realize my conversations are inappropriate based on the content as they aren’t sexual in nature but more that they contain personal information that really should be between them and their spouse or more specifically between me and mine. I also don’t always realize that the conversations I have with buddies in thinking that we are just “letting off steam” are inappropriate because they include things I wouldn’t want my wife to hear. I’m disappointed to say that this isn’t something that I just realized. No I learned it through mistakes that have caused breakdowns in my wife’s trust.

    Reply

  41. Danica

    Anyone who is in a relationship should never break the trust of their partner. This is an essential component to make your relationship work and lasts longer.

    Reply

  42. Kirsten

    Me n my husband r rebuilding our relationship(mainly trust) the biggest step for me is being consistant in my words n actions n not attacking back! But with the grace from god we r persevering! I love my husband so much! Till death do we part!

    Reply

  43. Travis

    I think a huge process is CHOOSING to trust. Our hearts condemn us from trusting. It can be a daunting task to choose to trust. It requires leading your own heart rather than being dragged by the lack of trust.

    Also accepting the Word of God, and by a submission and constant approaching the throne of grace of God through the Lamb of God

    Reply

  44. J

    I found out one week ago. I want very much to save our marriage. How do I get past the anger to forgive? I know its a decision and I know once I do it I cant look back. I am not ready to forgive. I think it all hurts too much right now. But I know we can not move forward on working on saving the marriage if I dont. Any advice?

    Reply

  45. Sherrie

    My husband and I have previously been married. We both have 3 grown children. For 5 years I thought we were partners with parenting these six grown kids. Last November my son’s motor went out on his car and he was saving money for a new motor. In the meantime my husband gave 2 of his boys permission to take the car apart and scrap it. My son still owes money on this car and this has ripped the entire family apart. I have worked for 7 years on bringing all the family together. How do we get past this? I am trying so hard but I feel like he sacrificed my child for his. Pls help me my heart is so broken!!!

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  46. Jen

    Trust is something that can take years to earn and can be lost in a second. I broke trust with my husband shortly after we got together. The pain I caused him was incredible. I could never do anything to ever cause him that pain again. We are at 8 years now and have a fantastic relationship. He is my best friend and the 1 person who knows and accepts all parts of me even the parts I may not always be proud of. At times I think he may still struggle particularly if we have been busy with the kids and life in general and I may seem a little distant. We have made it a must to make each other a priority EVERYDAY even if only for a short time. We allow and encourage each other to have things that are our own and also have this great life we share together. I had to go through that period where I have him complete reign of knowing who I talked to where I went etc however that to me was owed to him and I didn’t last long. We as women forget that men need to feel loved and wanted as well and in doing that it made him secure in knowing that I would never hurt him that way again.

    Reply

  47. Lindsey

    Its been almost 5 years and I am still haunted by the events then and the trust that was torn from me , lots of prayers and still unanswered questions I have to trust that This is Gods plan or we would not have made it this far. My heart and prayers go to those who have suffered the pain of an affair in their marriage.

    Reply

  48. Em

    Back when my husband and I first got married, he betrayed me when I had given him complete trust. I never questioned his actions, his whereabouts, because I trusted him. It was betrayed (granted I had my part in not being the best wife at home, I just didn’t know how and figured just being physically there was enough at the time). Even after a couple of years after the incident when things appeared to be looking up I couldn’t seem to let go of the resentment and anger. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I did. What I had failed to realize was that when he hurt me, he was also hurting himself. I didn’t notice until his own trust was betrayed and we had to start over at ground zero again.

    So much pain happened within the first three years, but we have managed to work together and get passed it. I am 23, met my husband in our first year of high school, married at 18. We’ve been married for five years (been together a total of eight). Even in the middle of darkest hours, we sat down and asked if divorce was truly an option. We both agreed that wouldn’t solve anything. Together, we worked and communicated on things. We ask questions without accusing and talk out problems without yelling or getting mad. I’ve watched him grow into such a wonderful and loving husband. Things got crazy but there is still no one else I’d rather be with. My experiences have taught me how to love him when he’s being unlovable, how to forgive and let go of negative feelings, and live in the now and not worry about what he could be doing better. I do wish a bit that I had this sort of site to look through to help, but thankful to have it now and see that what we are doing is right

    Reply

  49. Shannon

    I found out 6 months ago that my husband of 9 years was having an affair with an old high school flame. I feel like my world is falling apart. We went to one counseling session. The counselor told him he needs to leave his fling or file for divorce. I want to fight for my marriage because I know we can survive this but I don’t know what to do. Knowing that other people are going through similar situations makes me feel that at least I am not alone. I keep praying and hoping that everything will work out. Until that happens, I cry almost daily. I know I should be the one making the decision for him but I know he is my soulmate and we can make this work once the other person is out of our relationship. I am feeling so alone and unsure of how to fight for what I want. This article came at the best time and I hope we can move forward either with or without each other.

    Reply

  50. Layla

    My husband and I are going on almost 2 years since his affair came out and he filed for divorce. I put myself in counseling immediately with a pastor. I cried and prayed everyday that God would change his mind and bring him to his knees to repentance and also that he change me to be the wife that he needed me to be and the husband he needed to be. I asked God if he came home to let us be a testimony to others in the same situation. He has done exactly that! My husband says he was literally brought to his knees and repented and even opened the bible and read 1 Corinth 13 and asked God what he needed to do, he said a voice just kept telling him over and over to “Go Home”. Thats what he did. Through Gods grace I forgave him that night and he moved home. Even though he continued to work with the “other woman” for a year and half after our reconciliation(just on occasion). We got ourselves involved in church and read the bible together and pray together. Our love and relationship has never been better. Putting God first in our marriage is first and foremost.

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  51. glory

    Thank God i found this site.we all seem to be suffering from betrayal.i found out my husband had a son on the. Day of our wedding.and i loved him very much and never knew he had a child.he was crying like a baby telling me he didnt want me to leave him thats why he never told me.meanwhile,he had the child b4 we got back Together.the girl wanted. Him to marry her but he said never loved her that he was drunk when they had sex.my husband has been trying so hard to. Regain the trust but cant seem to forgive him.what do i do?

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  52. Anonymous

    How does one regain intimacy with their spouse once they have broken your trust? My husband and I have only been married just under a year and 4 months into our marriage on Christmas Day I had caught him having a sexually inappropriate texts with another woman. Since then I had forgiven him, we moved on, he had regained my trust fully, until 3 months after (7months into our marriage) I found 3 sexually inappropriate texting conversations in a row on his phone. Since that current time (which was only 2 months ago), I have found it hard not to punish my husband and now I’ve found it hard to stop. So much so where I’ve lost all interest in sexual intimacy, and it scares me that our marriage will just completely fall apart now since I don’t know how to regain that intimacy.

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  53. NatO

    I think it’s this is a great article with a wonderful message. However, I am saddened to read all of the replies. It seems like most of them indicate that once the trust in your marriage is gone… Its just gone. You can forgive, but you don’t forget. Most are haunted by the pain of being betrayed by the one person in life they are supposed to be able to believe in & trust in protecting them in all things. It just keeps popping up, over and over. “This person who I committed my life to has lied to me, or cheated on me” or what ever they did, and “I can forgive them but I can’t forget and it causes me pain every day that I am with them.”. I don’t know how we heal from that. I guess God can heal all things, but when it happened to me I couldn’t stop thinking about him comparing me to her & wondering what I did wrong or why I wasn’t good enough for him to be faithful. If he did it once, will he do it again? Where is he if he isn’t where he say’s he’s going to be. Does it take a certain special kind of woman for her man to be faithful & not lust after other women, and I am just not it? Are we all just animals and there is no point in even trying to have a covenant? It will make you crazy trying to figure it out. It is my prayer that those who are married will remember their vows & honor them.

    Reply

  54. Sandra

    It’s been almost 3 years but with my husbands attitude in the first year and a consequent deployment when he finally realized what’s important we really haven’t had a chance to try and work on things. I have to admit that even though I agreed to stay and try to save our now almost 13 year marriage initially it was more because of our 3 children. I can’t even say honestly that I have forgiven him, I’m just to hurt by his action and complete disregard of me. He also doesn’t believe in counseling or even us simply talking about it and just wants to pretend nothing ever happened but I can’t do that. I sincerely hope to eventually get to a place were I can forgive him but I’m not sure I will ever trust him again as completely as I did.

    Reply

  55. Melanie

    I would like to share my story: my husband and I got married August 2009 and had our first child October 2009. He had been dishonest for most of our marriage about things like pornography, smoking marijuana, drinking, etc. He had finally quit smoking in September 2011 and was proving it to me by taking drug test periodically. For about 6 months everything was great…. He had been wanting to have another child, so because of his good choices for a 6 month period, I agreed. I got pregnant in February 2012 and was due in November. Right after I became pregnant he started lying again, not about smoking but about drinking. He would say he was going to work and go out instead, drive home in the middle of the night and start fighting with me. This happened several times and then he became mildly violent (pushing, restraining, etc.) I don’t call it mildly because its not a big deal but because there was no hitting or anything. Early in May of 2012 He came home drunk one night and began fighting with me and had again pushed me around, tackled me to the floor, etc. This was the third time this physical violence had happened and nothing was getting better although I had been begging him to stop doing these things. So, that night (or early morning) God revealed to me so clearly what he wanted me to do. I waited until my husband went to sleep then I packed a bag for myself and my 2-year-old to get by for a week, we got in the car and sat for about 15 minutes. I sat and prayed and cried because leaving was SO difficult. I didn’t know where I was going; I didn’t have a plan. I eventually left the house and went and called a friend. I went to a lady’s house who I have been very close to for several years now and her and her husband gladly let me stay with them. My husband and I tried counseling with excellent marriage counselor’s but because he was so closed off to it, angry with me and didn’t want to change we didn’t get anywhere. Our sessions ended when he got angry and was yelling at our counselor’s for agreeing with me when I decided after about 6 weeks of counseling that I wasn’t going to go back. I felt he needed to work on himself before our marriage counseling was going to be effective. I wrote him a 5 page letter telling him how much I loved and cared for him and what I needed to see change. After this, and for the whole summer, things were awful for me. He continued to drink and party excessively and I didn’t trust him to take our daughter when he was doing that which just caused more problems. After a few months of not being together I tried to bible study with him, and pray with him, and we were together off and on. I had moved in to an apartment in June and got a job, so even during our off and on times we were still living separately. In October he had been around us a lot more and seemed to have improved but was still lying and drinking a couple nights a week. Right before our child was born near the end of October he had lost his job for reasons he made up. One week after the baby he called me and told me he was fired from his job for stealing money. He said he wanted to be right with God and he knew that if he had a chance he had to tell me the truth even if I wouldn’t forgive him. So he continued to tell me he had cheated on me in June of 2011! And again at the beginning of our separation. I was so devastated and hurt. However, that was the beginning of a new start for us. He met with our pastor and some people who were close to us and confessed everything. He humbled himself before The Lord, praying and asking for God to help him. The Lord worked on my husband right before my eyes in so many ways. People would tell me about other men who lived a similar lifestyle as my husband and were delivered from it by God but, I rolled my eyes at that. Not because I didn’t think God was capable but because my husband was so guarded. In February of this year we renewed our marriage vows and have worked hard towards restoring broken trust and healing our marriage. Its been rocky at times and i especially have had a hard time getting past everything but he has done everything he can to help. Honestly, I HATED the separation and wouldn’t suggest it to many people but I think that’s what it took to get to where we are, although it took several months. I made the mistake of not believing that God could soften my husbands heart. I knew he could change him but I felt like my husband needed to seek God first… That was not the case. I hope my testimony helps someone.

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  56. Renee

    Thank you for this article! I can relate to alot of the comments. My husband had an affair with a close friend almost 3 yrs ago and it’s still a struggle. He did choose to come home and work on the marriage but I don’t feel he really wants to be with me.. His actions, no accountability, keeps his cell bill secret so I cant see who he is texting/calling (which is how he was caught both times with the same woman). He doesn’t understand how hard it is to trust when you feel they don’t really want to earn back the trust, just brush under rug…and get over it. I am ready to give up and end the marriage.. God gave a complete forgiveness the first time and a new love for my husband but he hasn’t allowed God to do the same. I admitted my part in the affair by keeping financial secrets and pushing him away..but TRUST has to be earned and when that person doesn’t try to earn it back it just says you are not worth it. He truly felt he loved this person and I don’t feel he has completely let that go to do the hard work it takes to build trust and repair a marriage. There was alot of lies during the past few yrs and now I don’t believe a word he says. I do know if it was reversed I wouldn’t have been given chance after chance to lie to him

    Reply

  57. Melanie

    How can I get this information? I would love to get something on hard copy to read every day.

    Reply

  58. kristian

    Its only been a month since I found out my fiance had been hiding a second cell phone that he used to talk an text other woman. There were a couple of them that he even slept with an a couple that were coming up to his job bringing him money.. when I found the phone it literally made me sick to my stomach. We were apart for about 12 days at the time due to other issues but when he was able to see me again he apologized for everything an swore that it wouldn’t happen again because he loved me an he had let temptation get the best of him.. I allowed him to come back into our home but I still have a hard time dealing with what happened. I love him very much an he loves me an we want to make this work but I know it’s gonna take time before I can trust him again. I’m working on it every day an he knows that he’s gonna have to work hard to gain my trust back n that if anything like this happens again we are finished. As much as I love him I will not be cheated on, lied too or disrespect again an I told him this so he is fully aware. We have been doin marriage counseling to help work thru things.

    Reply

  59. Paul

    My wife had a 2 1/2 month telephone relationship with an old boy friend from over 20 yrs ago. This happened in the spring of 2012. They spoke 68 times in 72 days. She is a christian as am I. When I asked her why she did it, her reply was “I don’t know why” She insists that the conversations never crossed any kind of line of impropriety, and she swears they never had a face to face meeting. We live in So Calif, he in the greater Phoenix area. She has been to Az 3 times since I discovered the cell phone calls.( Her parents and siblings live in the Phoenix area) She made 2/3rds of the calls. I have forgiven her, but I have major trust issues with her. No calls are being made as well as TXT mssgs because I check the online call history frequently. Not sure about Facebook inbox mssgs, I have asked about it and she says no there is no mssgs on FB.
    How do I put this behind me, totaly trust her and move on. I pray about it daily. Maybe if she could give me a reason why it happened, that would give me closure and trusting her will be easier.

    Reply

  60. Melanie

    @Paul
    My story is above ^^^ I know how you feel. In my story I left out the part of my husband CONSTANTLY texting another woman from his work. I found out because of the phone bill and he was such a determined liar that he almost had me convinced that it was Verizon’s mistake on our bill. I tried to give the story in a nutshell but its still the longest post on here… I didn’t know about the texting or this other woman until after we separated (along with the two other separate affairs.) My husband and I recently read and took a couple classes based on the books His Needs Her Needs and The Five alive Languages, have you read either of them? I believe that when certain needs aren’t met by your spouse, you look to someone else to meet the need. I don’t know what your wife was getting or desiring from this other man but perhaps it’s something she was really needing from you and wasnt getting. It’s difficult because we naturally try to show love to our spouse in the way that we feel loved, but she probably doesn’t have the same love language as you. I suggest asking her what it is she needs from you, what was lacking in your marriage that she needed? It’s important for both of you to communicate this to each other. Best of luck.

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  61. annonymous

    I’ve had quite a few problems in our 4 year long relationship. About 15 months in I found him talking inappropriately to another woman. When I confronted him about it he first denied it, and then confessed. I broke up with him for a few days. He called me repeatedly and finally we were able to talk and get our relationship back on track. He wrote me a long letter and promised to never take my trust for granted again because he did not want to lose me in his life. Later in our 3rd year of dating while I was pregnant with our daughter I found him once again inappropriately talking to another woman who he has known since his younger teenage years. It hurt me so much. Again he apologized and promised the same things, similar to the time before. I wasn’t going to leave because we were having a child together. But I told him that if I ever caught him again then it would be over and me and our daughter would leave. When our daughter was around 6 months old I found emails of his posting and responding to craigslist ads. This time it was very different as the ads were in response to males or females and males. When I confronted him about this he broke down and told me it was something he’s been trying to get out of his mind and something he’s always been somewhat interested in. I for some reason was able to forgive him quicker about this, although I’m not sure why. I recently, about a month and a half ago found out that somewhere between 4-7 months of dating he had cheated on me while we had a 2 1/2 month long distance relationship. I’m at a complete loss. I don’t trust him at all. I miss the feeling I had in those first 15 months of our relationship where I felt completely in love. When I found out about the first incident, things just haven’t been the same since. I’m hesitant and I’m not sure if I can truly feel the love I once felt. I’m not sure how to handle this or get past it. I feel like I’m just waiting for the next slip up to happen… I know this was a long post, but any advice?

    Reply

  62. Aryden

    I found out 7 months ago my husband had an emotional affair with a so called “friend” (who I never really cared for since meeting her.) He did it out of pure spite just to hurt me. He wants to work through this and is doing everything he can to win me back. However, I really don’t care to follow through with this marriage. I don’t even want to forgive his intentional “mistake.” I certainly dont trust him. The only reason I’m still here is because of our 3 children. If he brought me divorce papers today I’d sign them after my lawyer looked at them. Sorry my post isn’t uplifting. No one should have to “affair proof” their marriage. If you’re not happy there’s two choices. Confront your spouse and fix what’s broken, or just get out of it. No one should be stepping out if their marriage. That’s just a coward’s way of ending it, or a desperate way of seeking attention.

    Reply

  63. Anonymous

    I just found this website and appreciate this article and am hopeful it will be of use to my marriage. Just like others who have blogged here, I am facing the difficult task of dealing with my husband’s emotional affair. Needless to say this has been the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with – it feels like a death! We have been married for 29 years and back in January (quite by accident) I saw an email picture of his girlfriend on his phone that she had sent him. When I confronted him about it he lied and would not even tell me who she was. I didn’t believe him and began to do some digging. When I had proof, he finally admitted it and said they had been talking for about year and half. When I dug back through phone records, I found it went back further so he finally admitted they had been talking about 3 years. We have been working through everything and he has cut off all ties with her. Now this past week I have found out that this affair has actually been going on for about 6 years. Needless to say it again feels like a fresh wound and I have cried constantly! He swears they did not see each other often and never had a sexual relationship, but I just don’t believe him because he has lied to me constantly since this all blew up back in January. I have not been able to even get to the forgiveness part yet, but I know the Lord has told me not to give up and walk away. I believe my husband is genuinely sorry and does want to work it out, but I am so hurt I don’t know how to proceed at this point. I have handed this mess over to the Lord, and am praying He will help me get through it day by day.

    Reply

  64. Kris

    This has given me so much peace. Thank you. My husband sent sexually suggestive texts and Facebook messages to a few women we both know, and the husband of one found out. He called me and told me everything. My husband is a good man but is lost. He admitted what he did and is seeing a psychiatrist, as well as attending Celebrate Recovery (Christian 12-Step program). He’s making great progress and I have forgiven him. Now I need to be able to trust him. God spoke to me to get me out of my sadness, and He told me to trust Him. God has never and will never leave me or let me down; I pray daily for that trust and for his continued healing. I guess what I’m looking forward to is being able to let my guard down, instead of checking Internet history and his phone. I want to trust him and I can’t wait to see the transformation God is going to do for him. I’m just not there yet.

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  65. John

    My wife and I have know each other for almost 20 years and been married nearly 12 years. This past December she discovered that I had been on an porn site on the Internet. At first I denied it, but came clean. I have for some reason always told little white lies in our marriage and I’m trying to find out why. This past Tuesday she discovered a Facebook message I sent a high school classmate. I told the classmate she looked cute and I was happy for her in discovering love again. I also met with her over a year ago to just talk and get caught up on our lives. This was on Facebook as well and it was something I had not told her. She was mortified and thought I was having an affair, which I wasn’t – but I lied about the meeting. Now I have broken her trust and confidence in me and I’m not sure how I get it back. I love her more than anything and we have two beautiful daughters who are 10 & 7. I’m going to counseling and she will go with me next week. What do I do? Divorce is not an option for me!! I want to fight! Help!!

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  66. Cheri

    Don’t fool yourselves into thinking the other person will change. My husband had an affair 25 years ago. I found out he also had one a few years before that. I was so scared at the time to leave him. My parents would not support me in doing so. I thought I was being noble in trusting God to rebuild the relationship. He would work on it for a while and then quit. (My husband, not God). It only got worse. I not only had marital infidelity, but it turned into emotional abuse. Never felt again that he truly loved me and had my best interest at heart. I’m sure the kids were hurt worse by our arguing and fighting over the years than they would have been by our divorce. Now it’s 25 years later and I am finally getting up the courage to leave. Trust has not been restored. Emotional abuse has been abundant. I hope this helps someone to have the courage to leave. God will be with you as you leave. Forgive the other person for what they did, but don’t hang around to get beaten up even more. Respect and love yourself enough to leave.

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  67. Tab

    I really need help with this. I love my husband more than anything but he recently told me he has been texting and may have feeling for a coworker. I don’t know what to do and how to take this. How do we get back on track and he stay away from someone he sees everyday at work. My mind wonders about this everytime he leaves for work. I want to trust him because he came clean about the emotional affair so he must want to do the right thing but the girl is what I don’t trust. I love this man and thinking I’m the side chick when it comes to his feelings. Its only been a couple of weeks since he told me. I really want this to work.

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  68. Dee

    I believe that trust can be built all over again, because I am in that very situation right now. I hurt my spouse, not by having a physical affair, but an emotional affair and he is devastated, but has chosen to stay with me and try and work it out! I am glad because I had hit rock bottom and was ready to try again! The emotional affair I was having was with a man that I loved several years ago. He was my first love, and although things didn’t work out, I often wondered why and felt guilty. Then 20 years later, he emailed me and we started talking again. It was so innocent at first, but then it built from there. It’s so true what they say about guarding your heart because it’s so easily tempted! This relationship went back and forth for the last three years, and finally this time when he caught me, I felt it was time to see a marriage counselor. I am trying hard now to be the wife I know I should be. I have opened my Facebook up to my husband and I don’t delete my history anymore on my computer. I want him to know that I am truly sorry and want our marriage to work out! It will take time for him to trust me again, but I know we can do this together!

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  69. sam

    “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Dr Dan Allender clarified this for me further by talking about putting aside all contempt which is usually accompanied by the words, “should, could, or would”. Non Christians are often wiser about choosing their reactions because as Christians, we often believe sermons about dramatic changes in others, more than our own study of history in and out of the Bible. Generations of grief result from our refusal to run away from youthful passions that cloud our vision. God’s grace cries out to us to be wise and seek counsel of the godly.

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  70. Brittany

    I recently found out that my husband had an affair with a much older woman. We are young, we have a one year old daughter and he is in the army. I found out about the affair the day before he left for 10 weeks of basic training. He worked with the girl, and I even worked at the same place for a long time. I’ve tried to make my peace with it and I have been sad, I have been hurt and I have been mad. When my husband graduated from basic training I had 4 days with him until his AIT started which is 21 weeks long. He will graduate in February Nd I know I will see him again when he gets weekend passes but I feel mad at myself to constantly think about the affair when I don’t have much time to spend with him. There is a 90% chance that his unit will deploy to Afghanistan in February right after he graduates so I can’t help but be mad at myself for bringing up the other woman when we have such limited time together. How do I cope with this? And how do I forgive him. He’s agreed to counseling but it won’t be until he is home. How do I trust him even though he is hundreds of miles away from me. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.

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  71. PERPLEXED154

    I have been going through a very rough few years. I met one of my husbands female coworkers at a company function. When I met HER and had the worst feeling about HER. I told my husband I was very uncomftorable with her and to please stop all contact outside of work. I was assured they were just friends and our kids had a great time playing together. She never came to our home while I was there and I was suspicious. He finally confessed months latter following a sermon at church on the subject. I still have to choose to forgive him on a daily basis and he does not get it. Now there are other challenges with gambeling and anger towards me to be specific. I keep having more added on to what I have to forgive him for and am at my breaking point. How do you know when to walk and when to stay and fight for your marriage of 18 years? I have been faithful the whole time and until recently have never even thought about another man. With all the turmoil lately I have asked him to not share a bed with me and he now sleaps in the basement. At this time I have been VERY tempted to inflict the same kind of pain back on him. I have not acted on it! But the temptation is very strong!!

    Reply

  72. Merideth

    Thank you for putting out this kind of advice and information. Trust is so hard to earn and so easy to lose. Trust and respect go together as well. Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes both people, and forgiveness is a daily battle. I feel that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, as well as the other person.

    Reply

  73. N

    My wife had an emotional affair. I found out about it about 9 months ago. It stopped but only for a couple months, then started again. I found out about 2 1/2 months ago. It almost destroyed our marriage. It was so much harder to forgive the 2nd time. It was only then, that I opened my heart to God. I am not perfect, and did not give my wife the love and emotional support she needed. It’s not an excuse for her actions, but once I learned to love God, I am learning how to love her as well. The past couple months have been the best of our entire 12 year marriage. The guy still works with her, so I still worry every day. I have good days and bad days. Some days the anxiety is so bad, that I can’t eat or sleep. I think I am getting a little better, and hope to continue over time. My wife has opened up everything to me now, and of course I keep a close eye on phone records and such. Communication is also where we increased dramatically. We now treat each other as best friends which we have never done before. I have a better appreciation for her. Sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have, until someone else wants it. Of course, I still worry about it happening again, but I pray the changes we are making in life will keep the enemy away. I also confronted the guy, and he has about crapped his pants in fear of me. That might help a bit too.

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  74. DeeDee

    I just finished arguing with my husband and came across this on Facebook. This is exactly what I’ve been asking myself. How do I begin to trust him again. We are 8 months in and it is so very difficult. We have been together over 20 years. Sometimes I feel so angry for what he’s done to our family. I’m glad I saw this and I’m glad I read sine of the comments. It helps. It gives me hope. Thank you!

    Reply

  75. carol

    This is so very true, how do I get my husband to understand this.
    We have so much love for each other yet so much trust has been broken and I can’t get over the past if I feel he is still being dishonest with me know. If love was all that was needed my marriage would be great.

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  76. Unknown

    So, when your really believe your husband is atheist & you consider yourself a Christian, what do you do then? When you cannot ask your husband to read things that could improve your marriage, then what? Or he does read it and it ends there, what else can a wife do? When you truly feel he doesn’t listen when you speak, what else can you do but not talk to him & feel completely alone? For the last 10 years I am certain we are both only remaining married for our children. I have tried everything I can think of to fix this broken marriage, but feel like I am the only one who cares at all. I am open to any suggestions, I am tired of being miserable!

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  77. Cheryl

    No matter how much times my husband keep doing the same thing over and over, day after day, I always forgive him but yet with all the times I forgave him, I can’t trust him anymore, only because he always doing the same mistake every time. Where I kept all the hurt and pain he had caused inside of me, I’ve been dealing with this for almost 6 years in June ‘2014, where I even filled for my divorce, he asked me to stop our divorce that this time he promise he’ll stop, so I started to trust him again but left my guards up till 2 weeks ago his done it again & lied about it after I seen him doing it & erased it after. I’m I ever going to trust my husband again?

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  78. Jen

    My husband had an affair with his x wife. She claimed she was pregnant and the baby was his. After the child was born DNA testing proved the child is another mans. My husband bonded with this child and now wants to be her dad. Says he IS her dad. His X drops her off all the time, every weekend which leaves no alone or quality time for us. I don’t know how to deal with this. The child is innocent. But his X seems to run the show and he doesn’t mind having the child around all the time. Any advice for me?

    Reply

  79. Hurt and Confused

    My husband had a job which requires him to travel to other countries. 5 years ago he had an affair that lasted for 3 years and I found out about it by a text from the other woman. He said it was a mistake and he thought he loved her but didn’t and wanted to work on our marriage. I asked him to find another job where he didn’t travel and he refused to so we agreed to keep in contact when he was away by emailing and calling every day and that was 5 years ago and I had finally felt like we were getting back to normal and then a few months ago I found a text to him from yet another woman and confronted him and he confessed that he started this affair instantly after the last one ended> A week later he confessed to me that their was a baby born right before I found out and I demanded a Paternity test. Not sure what the results are yet, still waiting for the test to come back. He has said he wants to work on our marriage again but still refuses to find a job where he doesn’t travel. I am lost and do not know how to trust him if he refuses to do this and not sure if we can save the marriage this time. I have spent 29 years married to this man and I love him dearly but when is enough enough???

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  80. Chris

    Can trust ever be truly rebuilt after it has been broken? I mean once someone has been hurt beyond words, how can they really ever trust? I found out my husband cheated on me after 15yrs of marriage. we are working on our marriage but I feel like no matter what I will never truly trust him ever again not like I did before! I still love him but truthful I do not know if I can stay with him. The pain he has caused me is so great that it has broken me to my very core. I pray every night that god will help me get through the pain and hurt. How does someone truly get over this kind of pain?

    Reply

    1. De

      Your story sounds much like mine Chris. After 16 years, I learned 2 months ago of my husbands affair. So crushed and broken. Trying to make things work but some days are just impossible!


  81. Lynette

    Trust is the hardest thing in the word to give once it’s broken. It’s a struggle for me to give my trust once it’s gone.

    Reply

  82. JEAN PAUL CADET

    I am a 33yrs old male with a beautiful 27yrs old wife we been married 8yrs together 11yrs. We have 3kids together a boy 8yrs old another boy 6yrs old and a girl 5yrs old. We both love each other. For years I been cheating on her with women. She is aware of this. Until recently I changed like 1month. I just found out she was kinda cheating she met a man at her job who liked her and knew she was married and she told him they could only be friends they both claim nothing happened. She was texting him secretly is that a form of cheating. The text were from what I saw maybe some were deleted were casually flirting NEVER SEXTING. Is cheating in anybody else eyes and why can’t I stop being angry and hurt?

    Reply

    1. Lori

      I believe that any secret in a relationship that involves persons of the opposite sex is very disrespectful, hurtful, and is a gateway that often leads to more. I learned this the hard way from my previous marriage. My husband at the time had started a ‘friendship’ with a female co-worker. He never mentioned her to me, and when he did it was to tell me things that she was going through in her own marriage. The two of them became way too close, texting, secret phone calls, and my husband would even go into OUR bathroom, lock the door, and write her love letters. He even purchased gifts for her with our son present (lied to our son and told them they were for me), and sent her flowers on a regular basis. I was naive for over a year, even when this woman began calling my home from random pay phones and hanging up on me. I didn’t listen to my gut, or the other co-workers that tried to let me know what was going on. After a year and a half of his ‘secret affair’, I was told everything by her boyfriend. I found out on my birthday, and was devastated. Bottom line, if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


  83. Racheal

    I just recently found out that my husband has cheated. He told me it only happened once and so did the girl. It’s been 2 months and the girl told me last week that it was a relationship and it had been going on for 5months. It has taken complete control over me, I think about it constantly and I don’t know what or who to believe. I don’t know how to let it go and get past it

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  84. jay

    I hope all of this works I’ve broken the trust in my marriage and im hopeing to salvage whats left of our relationship and marriage. ..but it almost seems like a lost caus:'(

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  85. rebecca

    I found out about 2 yrs ago my husband never divorced his first wife which meant our’s was voided. It is still hurting me so much that I have been planning to separate. I don’t know how to get over this even knowing he loves me.

    I feel I deserve better in life even if that means no longer being together.

    Reply

  86. Tony

    i have been talking to a girl behind my wifes back for a period of time now and she found out today. I love her to death and hate what i have done and the person i am. I am seeking marriage counseling thru a local church and a Doctor. I am asking fro prayers because i can not live with out my wife and 2 kids. i don’t know what else to do so if anyone has any advice plz pass it on. i have also purchased the Love dare book hoping that any and all things will help.

    Reply

  87. clarissa

    I just stumbled upon this article and found some of the things very useful. I now know I have to forgive him in order to rebuild my trust for him. THANK YOU.

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  88. May Anne

    My best friend & common law partner finally told me that he could never trust me for years after I lied and have tried my best to rebuild his trust. This was after he totally pushed me away from us and from living together. God heard me when I asked for the right time for us to talk. I’ve been praying and claiming for full restoration of our relationship for it is by His stripes, we are healed and restored in a mug more loving relationship. He noticed that God has been the centre of my life and is scared to trust me still after I have shown changes in me that God made. Please continue to pray for us that we may get married this year since he told me he loves me yet I interrupted him and I have a feeling that he was going to say but he doesn’t trust me. I have also continued to pray for his family that they forgive me as to how I ended us. I forgave him for keeping this lie for so many years yet I do not understand why his held a grudge for so long. He sees me smile more and am blooming every time I see him or spend time with him. He has such fear for us again which he has been manifesting in his mind.

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  89. Fatima miano

    I hope I can give back my full trust to my partner that have wronged me for almost a year and a half..hoping also that he would be faithful and loyal…

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  90. Jay

    Glad I read this, I’m trying so hard to win back my wife’s heart , I’ve let her down and broke her trust . I’m trying everything so we won’t get a divorce even tho she’s already talking to someone else which makes it more difficult because she says she has feeling for this new guy :/ and also she has feelings for me and that she is confused , don’t know what to do at this point .. I’m still doing my best to be a great husband even with this over my head :/

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  91. Matt

    I have completely destroyed the trust of my wife and kids with anger, not that I hit them that I yell and just seem to be very angry all the time and little things set me off. I am not sure if it can ever be mended, it can’t be fixed but I want to at least try and mend it and save my family. I have asked God for strength many times and I have been so weak giving into anger. I am at my witts end and don’t know what to do, my family won’t speak to me and they don’t want me back at home. I hope this works along with other things I am doing, with all my heart. If anyone has suggestions regarding anger and mending trust I would appreciate a comment or email.

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  92. Rina

    I pray for Gods will to restore my marriage! I know God hates divorce. I desire to please God & serve Him & restore my marriage.

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  93. Sharon

    I hope my husband can understand this and be willing for us to work together to save our marriage. I’ve tried my best to explain to him how the trust is gone. Praying this will help.

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  94. Amy

    I would like to know of any Christian marriage retreats. Preferably ones that don’t cost an arm and a leg. (Funds are very low). My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We have been to counseling numerous times in the last 7. I hate to say it but my
    husband has made it very difficult to trust.

    Reply

  95. Me

    Thank you for this! My wife cheated on me a year ago today and I have to say it’s been hard to trust sometimes even though she is an open book now. but the Lord is so good, we are still together and it’s a daily walk. The Lord is working and healing us daily to make it through it. But I truly believe If you care for each other enough the Lord can heal all wounds and can give you a happy marraige. Just look how we let him down daily and he forgives us each day

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  96. Still Trying

    I’ve been married 32 years. There have been 5 affairs where I can name the other woman. Every time it takes longer for him to regain my trust and within a year or so of regaining it, he’s back in another affair which I’ll find out about 3 years in because the other woman begins pressuring him and he wants out of that relationship and either confesses or gets caught or she calls me. I’m able to forgive quickly, and I truly feel this last time was the fullest forgiveness because I am so aware of Jesus’ forgiveness for me. But he won’t give me the ‘master key’ or wear a cast. He’s an excellent provider, he makes a great roommate and the sex is great and he’s a really good dad, but I’m tired of living without being able to trust him and having to swallow the pain and heartache. It’s been just over 2 years since the last affair, and we tried counseling but have not found one that he’ll continue to go to. I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop or that I’m a door mat. I want out, but since life at home is harmonious and the kids are happy, I feel l stuck. I promised God for better or worse. I go to counseling and take all the steps to be a better wife, cause I can only change myself, but to no avail. Maybe the next time the kids will be grown and gone and I can just leave. Prayers please.

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  97. Miguel

    My wife and I are going through a hard time at this moment and trust is the biggest problem. We are a young married couple but that doesn’t mean anything to us. Things happened that obviously broke our trust but we love each other and this is something that I will try and hope she does as well. Don’t want to lose our marriage over things that have happened in the past. We need to move on and rebuild that loving trust for one another. So thank you for this post.

    Reply

  98. Monique Torres

    This was so helpful. Seen it at a right time, I pray my husband will give this marriage a chance with guidance through Jesus!

    Reply

  99. ella

    I broke up with my partner of 4yrs about 4 months ago,the reason i ended it was he just kept lying to me,even when he would get caught out he would never admit it until i had evidence,so i would go to great lengths to prove to him i knew i could just never let it go.
    The first 2 months he begged and bleeded to give him a chance,he couldnt understand how i could just leave without trying and promised to NEVER lie again.
    Long story short,nothing has changed….they might not be big lies but to me there still lies,that is what hurts.
    Also still will never admit until i have hard core proof then turns it around on me saying he has had enough,he is sick of me and my ways and if dont change he is leaving.
    That he is sick to death of being acc for stuff-What i DONT understand is as he has been doing exactly what he was saying he wasnt so thats not accusing thats been BUSTED-CAUGHT out….in my eyes i have every right to act the way i do and be evn more screwed up because of that.
    Thing is for some un knowen reason i cant walk away,part of me thinks as he works away he just gets bored and does the silly stuff i catch him out for the other i do actually think he could be a compulsive liar.
    My question is as im the one who cant walk away how do i let go and move forward? Where do i start??
    What type of therapy do i need as im so broken inside and feel like im loosing my mind,i dont know what to do or where to go…yes i know you all think ummm leave him but i know i wont so need to fix the problem.
    The things he lies about are only small,never any cheating but its still doing the one thing that got us to where we are now……
    Advice??

    Reply

  100. Amanda

    I am experiencing trust in my marriage. My husband betrays me and my family when he talks badly about us to his family and friends.
    Everything that goes on he tells them. That truly hurts me. I can’t trust him and there is no loyalty to me. I understand we go through difficult times, and we seek guidance from our Pastor, etc, but should I be talked about and our personal business be told to people? I can’t show my face around anyone because I know I was talked about. I told him that this hurts me and my feelings don’t matter. I, on the other hand, talked to someone that he asked me not to talk to (Pastor) and I told him I didn’t. The bottom line is that I lied to him. He is so upset with me, he can’t trust me, he regrets marrying me, everything was thrown at me. I know what I’ve done cannot take away the hurt I caused and I have apologized and begged for his forgiveness, but I can’t be forgiven and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m hurt, betrayed and I can’t trust him either. I’m not asking him to forget the lie I told, but how could he kick my back in and betray me and thinks thats okay and not apologize or take responsibility for hurting me. I’m called names and things from the past are constantly thrown in my face. Please help! I’m being punished for what I’ve done and its hard to deal with the hurt I’m going through on top of the punishment and rejection from my husband

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  101. Jimmy

    I am young and engaged, being only 25 years old I am excited but also terrified to get married to my fiance. We got engaged shortly after getting together but were highschool sweethearts and after a lot of heartache finally ended up being back together. Not very long into our relationship I caught her lying to me about making plans to hangout with her ex boyfriend and hiding texts and facebook messages from me. The lying went on for roughly 8 months between her ex boyfriend and two other male friends. I am at a point where i cannot trust her at all and cannot make myself ok with anything that she has done. I have punished her which i know was wrong and after i had found out the ins and outs of all the lies she had agreed to being restricted but after 2 weeks decided that she thought i was controlling her and refused to deal with it anymore, none the less about a month later it all started happening again after I took away the restrictions. I hate feeling this way but at the same time I am scared of my life without her and I love her more than anything in this world. Will she ever change? Will this sadness and pain ever subside? Will i ever stop being angry? I am going crazy and dont know what else to do. Please anyone with advice or knowledge or even just kind words please help me because im losing hope and slowly just becoming more and more depressed.

    Reply

    1. dave willis Post author

      Jimmy, a healthy relationship is built on trust. I’m praying that trust is restored in your relationship. I’d encourage you two to go through a “Dynamic Marriage” course being offered in your area. You can learn more at http://www.FamilyDynamics.net.


  102. ian pratt

    I have ptsd from being a paramedic and was recently building a house about a block away from a hospital. I met the girl of my dreams about a month later. I love her so much. I was on cloud 9 with her. About 2 months into the relationship I realized that I couldn’t live there due to never feeling away from work. So I stopped building the house. I was afraid to tell her because I felt like a failure. Every time she asked me I said it was fine and still on track. We got to the point where we talked about living together. I tried to bring up different ideas of where we could build together but she wanted to go into the original one that k was building. Again I don’t know why I couldn’t tell her. It was killing me inside. About 2 weeks ago it came out that I’m not building that original house anymore and now she won’t talk or even see me. She says I ruined her trust. I was protecting myself but at the same time I scared her away. I know I lied and I’m getting help for my ptsd. I just wish I could have her back. She meant the world to me. What can I do to save this relationship. I want to marry her

    Reply

    1. dave willis Post author

      Ian, I’m praying for you that God would bring healing from you PTSD and also healing in your broken relationship. A healthy relationship must be built on a foundation of trust, so to win her back, you have to rebuild the broken trust. Search for my blog post on “How to rebuilt trust.”


  103. Lila

    I have been married 6 yrs, we have four children. Our marriage hit a bad spot 2 yrs ago when he started to smoke marijuana. I was hating everyday of coming home watching him slumped over from how high he was, he was gaining weight really bad, we were not being intimate. We started fighting a lot. I started talking to a new hire, I was assigned to train this person. From talking at breaks, then having lunch, like others have said, he said all the right things at a moment when I was not connecting at home. Things escalated and I was physically unfaithful more than once. The fights with my husband were really bad but I did not want to put my kids through a divorce plus I kept telling my husband that I missed the man I fell in love with, I wanted that man back. After over a year, little by little my husband stopped. He got himself back to God and everything has been really great since then. But I know my husband, he is very quick to anger, and when he is angry, there is no reasoning, no love, no grace, no mercy. I know, I am certain that if I tell him, it will not just break trust, it will break my family apart. I KNOW IT FOR SURE. So yes it eats at me some time, but I see all the comments of people still trying to forgive & trust and I know my husband would never be as reasonable or willing to try. I know he loves me, but anger/pride/hate would never let him feel love for me again if he found out. I myself stopped talking to this other person, I recognized everything was very wrong and stopped to focus on helping my husband be back to the man I knew he was deep inside. What advice would you have for someone who would want to come clean but knew for a fact that it would tear up a family forever? I don’t want to put my children through that.

    Reply

  104. Joe

    I have been marry for over 30 yrs then one day in casino a lady sit down next to me to play blackjack, she sit and put her hands on my back and should and gave me a hug. At first I was hurried about this being a distraction to take my chips. So we played and we both were winning she was betting big and winning big because of the choices I made at the table. In about 10 hands or she left her sit and moved to the first spot on the table. I met my wife later and she was pissed at me for letting this woman in her words groop me. now she want nothing to do with me, no talking, no sitting in the same room, no going in public with me, took over her wedding ring, does not come home to eat. You know she hate me our life together for 30 years means nothing, I do not know this Asian window who took my life and crapped on it.
    Signed out of love and luck

    Reply

  105. C

    I was too young and wilful to know what marriage is all about, and have not came to know about Jesus’ teaching – and foolishly i made the biggest mistake in my life, to taint my record in the law’s eyes.
    We divorced exactly 2 months after our marriage and i am living in the phobia since then. Constantly i feel that i do not have the eligibility to love someone, or have someone to love and accept me.
    Two years later, i met this guy, whom i really love alot and whom love me so much. I did not bring up my past to him till months later, after our relationship escalate to the marriage plans. That was when i blurt out the truth. He was hurt, but willing to accept me. But i felt guilt. Terrible guilt. I dont know whether i can forgive myself, and as much as i want him to accept me, i dont know whether i can accept him back. I felt that i am ruining his life. What should i do?

    Reply

    1. dave willis Post author

      God’s grace is big and His love for you is limitless. You can’t change your past, but you can embrace forgiveness and move forward to build a beautiful future. I’m praying He would guide your steps.


  106. Hope

    I lied to my spouse. I was talking to another man. I never physically cheated… But I broke his trust. I would do anything to not lose him. I admit my mistakes. I pray he can give me another chance… But I don’t think he will. I wish I could fix this… But how?

    Broken hearted…

    Reply

  107. Debra

    its been 9 months since I caught my husband on a website called MILF. He did not have a paid membership I checked but he still broke my heart . I have tried so hard to trust him again. I am finding that I am not able to do this . I still get a tightening of my stomach and the runs every time he goes to work. Stupid me should have known something was going on as he lost a lot of weight. someone tell me what to do I don’t know how to trust him again.

    Reply

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